It’s election season folks and that means one more week of elementary school level flyers and free cupcakes from those aspiring ASCMC candidates who are definitely not annoying the goddam daylights out of us with their Facebook campaigning.
Here at the Antlers we brought in world-renowned campaign predictor Nate Silver’s lesser-known younger brother Nate Golden for in depth analysis on this year’s campaign.
The top story, of course, involves rumors flying that ASCMC presidential candidate Gavin Landgarf is the long lost love child of one Willard Mitt Romney. A totally legitimate source claims Landgarf told the ASCMC Executive board that, “The 47% of the student body that is on financial aid will never vote for me, and that they can lick my balls, which are worth more than they will ever be.”
Landgarf’s opposition has prompted him to sleep with one eye open as his only competition is his current roommate, Natty Falk. Falk’s campaign has hinged on his relatable demeanor and pun-based rhetoric. When asked what their relationship is like as of late, the Landgarf went on record, “Falk him. Falk his hair-gel and his falking Crest Whitestrips. I’m gonna win this. Falk yes.” Preliminary reports project Falk taking third place behind Landgarf and, in first place, Landgarf’s Jawline.
In the race for SAC, the North Quad demographic seems to have caught Mark Blumenfield’s ‘Blumenfever.’ This is not only a voting trend, but a possible venereal disease. Freshman Richard Zajack was not available for comment, but his secretary alerted this Antlers reporter that Zajack offered to buy lap dances from Tropical Lei for the whole staff in exchange for a positive article. Zajack furthered, “but seriously, I’m rich as fuck. Vote for me!” and proceeded to make it rain hunneds, hunneds.
In her thesis on the value of votes in ASCMC elections, Caroline Nyce reported that one vote was nearly exactly equivalent to 7 oz of frothy Keystone and one used solo cup. Nyce furthered that 99% of CMC students who identify with “The Bro Party” and 70% of Independents would give up their vote in exchange for 90 seconds of TNC with Maddy Hall, Bonjana Bozick, Manave Kohli or all three at once.
In the sophomore class election about which 0% of those surveyed give a fuck, frontrunner Iris Lu told The Antlers, “I’m not even sweatin, they (Richard J Manuso and Ben Turner) can talk to me, when their balls drop.” Ben Turner asserted that, due to his extreme height and general size, he could physically consume either of his opponents if he actually felt threatened. Write-in candidate Shannen Miller has based most of her campaign rhetoric on her desire to make CMC more tolerant of women’s issues and has vehemently denied allegations that she would love to, “Put muzzles on girls with short hair.”
In the Junior class election, Logan “DJ SOLO” Soloman has reportedly dropped out of the race after being informed that he would not be able to DJ Senate meetings despite having a near lock on all voters who still think YOLO is not a douchey expression. Soloman’s campaign has also struggled amidst a torrent of negative press from his opponents Demetrius Lalane and Kira McAndrews. “We need someone who will drop the gavel in Senate meetings, not the beat” said a resident of Stark, holding a sign reading “NOGO 4 SOLO.”
So far Adam Griffith is projected to win ASCMC President, SAC, DAC, SLC, Class of 2016 President, Class of 2015 President, Class of 2014 President, and – potentially – Class of 2017 President ever since he announced Tuesday morning that his first move in office will be to reinstate the ban on the use of social networking in campaigning.
– Ender Wiggin CMC ’15, Lucas Van Houten CMC ’14, Sam Pitcavage CMC ’15, Clancy Tripp CMC ’15
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