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Flexual Intercourse: Hungry 5C Students Get Desperate for Flex Dollars

 

This is a Golden Antlers special report:

She’s your average CMC satire magazine efitor.  She swims in the CMC pool, she drives her yellow Hummer, and according to her Facebook, she is spending this semester in “Paris” “studying abroad.”  We regret to tell you that the Clancy Tripp you think you know is living a lie.

Residents of Stark Hall, North Dorm at Mudd, and most of the CMS football team may know her as “Kiki Tata,” a rip-roaring sophomore Scripps student with a sub-par Spanish accent, conspicuous blonde roots, and two children in her home country of Colombia.  More importantly they know that Kiki will do virtually anything for Flex Dollars.

Kiki Tata – hereafter referred to as Ms. Tripp – has spent the last semester deep, deep undercover in Claremont investigating a disturbing new trend among underclassmen students called “Flexing.”

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According to Webster’s, Flexing involves “the use of excessive and often non-traditional, sexual intercourse in exchange for Flex Dollars to be redeemed at select Claremont eateries and snack establishments.” Contrary to popular opinion, Flexing is hardly a new phenomenon in Claremont. The Golden Antlers has it on strong authority that Robert “FLEXible” Day coined the term Flexing after he earned $6,000 Flex Dollars in just one day, a feat commemorated every year at the 24 Hour Party.

for the love of all that is holy, do not go in the bathrooms here during finals week
for the love of all that is holy, do not go in the bathrooms here during finals week

According to Jon Forhandjob, students should, “Rest assured that it is perfectly normal to occasionally whip it out in exchange for a wrap at the HUB or an ice cream with extra whipped cream at the Coop. Occasional Flexing is as much a part of 5C culture as Snack, Ponding, and the White Party.”

The reason for Tripp’s jaunt undercover was not the existence of Flexing, but the sharp spike in Flexing incidents among the incoming classes. Let’s just say the average test score among incoming students isn’t the only thing rising steadily, if you catch our drift.  Unfortunately, according to our research thus far, the situation is much worse than we ever could have predicted:

  • The problem extends to the administration. Deans Bos, and Spellwomen are notorious Flexers. – Junior Drew Dodds has been selling “Will Flex 4 Flex 😉 ” signs and shirts to freshmen across the 5C’s. He is now in the 1% of wealthiest Flexers.
  • Professor Bloomberg Terminal and the Student Investment Fund have been selling subprime Flex debt to oblivious Pomona students in exchange for exclusive Flexing contracts at PUB and Table Manners. Combine this with debt spending based on anticipated record future Flexing levels at Scripps College, and we have a Flex bubble not seen since the crash of 1969.
  • Stark Hall residents may not be drinkers, but are likely as any other ethnic group to do the “No Pants Dance” if a Mudd Hole Quesadilla is on the line.

This alarming upswing in both heteroflexual and homoflexual activity in exchange for a couple burnt mozz sticks or a cinnobon pretzel is infecting all five campuses.  Our undercover mole recently overheard in the Motley, “Damn, that guy looks like he’s an eight on the meal plan, I bet he’s hungry.”  In a rush to get in on the hype and, in the words of Head Honnold Mudd library Amanda Reeding, “stay hip with the kids these days” the Love Your Library program is sponsoring a new series that lauds 1st floor Honnold as “the best place to get a bathroom BJ and then, later at the Café counter, a PB&J.”

Sticking to her morals, Kiki Tata will be donating all of her Flexing profits to her favorite charity, The Pomona Student Life. We urge our readers to Flex responsibly and in private. Please do not encourage the distribution of pro-Flexing merchandise among students, and under no circumstances is it legal to Flex with a Prospie. Stay classy Claremont, and follow the words of one 5Cer with integrity, “I would never do it for Claremont Cash.  That’s like…prostitution!”

– Ender Wiggin CMC ’15, Clancy Tripp CMC ’15, Liat Kaplan CMC ’17, Sam Pitcavage CMC ’15, Charlie Montgomery CMC ‘15

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