Wow, is Pitzer broke. Talk about a school that needs a cash infusion, ASAP! Good thing they have viable land for fracking. The other day, one concerned father came to visit and noticed how much untapped potential Pitzer’s campus has. Specifically, potential to open the land through unnatural processes and extract oil or gas. “Yeah, I have a lot of experience with extracting oil, it’s how I’m paying for Pitzer!” said the father. We reached out to his daughter for comment, but she declined the offer saying, “Just tell everyone I’m a socialist.” Since this parent’s great discovery, Pitzer has started giving tours just to potential parents who work in oil, just in case someone else can find a way to optimize Pitzer’s profits and put them back in the black. As an incentive for those parents, their children get automatic admission to the college – paying full tuition, of course.
Plans to destroy the Grove House are already underway. “We took away the oat milk, so students will stop going there anyway,” says one Pitzer dean, “and once it’s been completely abandoned we’ll bring in the bulldozer.” But, just in case any students catch wind of what’s going on and want to protest, the administration has a diversion plan. “We paid off a student to send a student talk saying the food at McConell is stinky, so that should keep everyone occupied long enough to begin drilling.”
So basically there’s no stopping the frack attack – that is unless you want the school to go completely broke and close permanently. This reporter thinks we should embrace fracking. Maybe we can do it in a holistic, anti racist, LGBTQ ally way. For example, we could bring in RuPaul, a queer fracker of color. Or Kamala Harris, the first female fracker of color to serve as vice president. After all, if there’s anyone who can spin fracking into an anti-capitalist endeavor that explores the diaspora and breaks down neo-colonialism, it’s Pitzer students.