Football HC: CMS Staff and Players “Really Bearing Down” for Next Week’s Match-Up Against Stripper


CMS Head Coach Sweeney “Sween-Dog” Kyle stated this morning on GA Sports morning talk show “Golden Antlers Sports NCAA DIII Claremont Football Super Round-Up Breakdown in the Morning”(GASNCAAADIIICFSRUBITM) that the Stags are “really bearing down” in practice this week for their annual match-up against perennial powerhouse and long-time rival Lola the Stripper.

“Everyone — the staff, the students, the alumni community — really focuses on the 6th Street Rivalry” said Sweeney, referring to the official moniker for the annual Pomona-Pitzer game as used by fucking no one, “but if you had to ask me which game I think the players most look forward to, who really gets the players psyched to wear our colors, I would say it’s consistently Lola the Stripper. And this year, she’s going to have to bring her A-game.”

According to Kyle, he and his staff have “really fine-tuned” the training regimen in preparation for Lola, who is slated to go head to head with the Stags this Friday at storied “probably this one Lacrosse guy’s apartment but we might just go off campus this year, we’re still working it out” field.

Kyle quickly dismissed skepticism arising from the recent history of lop-sided outcomes against Lola during his tenure. “This time last year I don’t think we were the best team we could have been” admitted Kyle. “I remember watching (then Freshman Defensive Tackle) Robert Helms try to make it rain with $6 in singles, and I thought to myself: “shoot, we really let our boys down.’ But if I were a betting man instead of a spineless jackoff, I’d say things are going to be different this year. We’re smarter, stronger, and more sexually frustrated than we’ve ever been.”

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This year, however, the team’s practice preparation for Lola will adopt an adjusted format, focusing largely on individual development and fundamentals. “You need to really hammer down the basics against a smash-mouth opponent like this,” noted Sweeney; “running, tackling, blocking, tasteful groping, avoiding Camp Sec, paying her handler in cocaine instead of money — our boys can do it all.”

“I don’t doubt for a minute that we’ve prepared them better for this Friday than we’ve prepared them for any other team we’ve played or will play this season” added Kyle.

Noting the distinct tonal shift for Kyle, Senior Captain Eric Walls noted that “the coaches are really taking things seriously” this week. “Coach Kyle is usually much more cerebral” explained Walls. “He usually just wants us to trust our training, and, I mean, considering the countless hours he and the staff put in to playing Mario Kart and eating lunch, how do you not just put it all out on the line every week? But this Friday especially, it’s like, hey, who wants it more?”

Fans and analysts across the DIII sporting world have expressed their high hopes for the newest installment in this famously hard-nosed saga. “Wait, they hire a stripper every year?” noted CMC Junior Aaron Martin. “Wow, that’s a little fucked up.”

When contacted, Lola the Stripper seemed un-phased by Kyle’s comments. Said Lola: “Does it look like I’m working right now? This is a fucking Wal-Mart, get the fuck away from me you little prick.”

Regardless of rhetoric, all eyes this week will undoubtedly be on the Stags. “When it comes right down to it” concluded Kyle, “this team is all about pride.”

– Billy Ostermeyer CMC ’15


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