This is a developing story. I am still at large and there is a warrant out for my arrest.
The Claremont Colleges have been left in a daze after an incident on where a 22-year old Pomona College senior, me, removed “Pomona ‘21” from his Instagram bio.
Details that Campus Security have acquired from interviews from my friends and family pinpoint me getting blasted on an absolute smorgasbord of free weed products at an LA exclusive cannabis industry influencer event at my Airbnb where we live with four goats (Boots, Stella, Cowboy, and Meadow*).** The next day, I was purported to have said, “every square inch of my body feels like it’s on a different strain. My left leg wants to party and my right leg wants to sit by a fire.” 24-hours later, in that same mindset, I am believed to have gone to Claremont to go walk through campus. It was at that time that I am believed to have gotten, like, really fucking sad you guys, fueling my deletion of my college and class year from my Instagram bio (@j_kuzzie come join me and 508 of my closest friends). There have been no indications from me that I have shown any remorse, nor whether I am ever putting Pomona ‘21 back in my bio.
On Monday morning, April 19th, students of the Claremont colleges were quick to social media to discuss the upsetting news. One student, Dobanical Fofanical SC ‘23, tweeted, “what p*ssy would actually do that lmao”.
Another student, Jamp Landerton CMC ‘22, rallied support for me, saying, “let’s all band together and block him on Instagram during Pirate Party next year so he doesn’t see the bouncy castles and all the silly pirate fun we’ll be having–it’s the right thing to do.” (Editor note: shortly after publication, Landerton was nominated for a Nobounce Peace Prize for their actions).
The campus remains divided on whether I am just an odd, sad child who needs love and attention and the gentle embrace of Prometheus’ dickless loins in this time of loss, or a guy they saw once in Frary maybe. Meanwhile, the authorities (Camp Sec Officer Dave) have labeled me as a Threat Level 10, saying that I am dangerously close to making my mom really, really angry for not submitting graduation photos. Officer Dave, when speaking to the GA, said, “Whatever you do–if you see this man, do not let him bathe in the fountain in front of Frank whilst crying into a bong on 4/20.”
The Golden Antlers reached out to me for comment, but did not receive a response.
* But fuck boots on the low, kind of an asshole ngl
** I wish I was joking about literally any of this
Below is an artist rendering of myself looking sad. If seen, contact the authorities immediately.