We’ve all noticed that Frary’s Prometheus mural is missing a certain je ne sais quoi. Actually, we all know exactly what it’s missing. So just in case you were wondering, The Golden Antlers did some high-quality sleuthing to find out a few of the top theories about this missing member. Where did this disco-stick disappear to? Who put the kibosh on the trailer snake? Does anyone else feel sorry for Prometheus’ lack of a tan banana?
More importantly, how many times can Clancy Google “synonyms for penis” without Michael Malsed getting concerned?
The Gender Equity Theory
Noted women’s studies professor and genitalia enthusiast Dante Tooppo explained to The Golden Antlers that early in the ’70s a group of rebellious women’s studies majors (or, as one aging CMC government professor speculated, “militant lesbians”) marched on Pomona demanding that a larger-than-life vagina be added to the mural. Self-proclaimed “womyn” Liza Farr complained, “It’s like, how am I supposed to enjoy my caramel apple with this hulking reminder of the oppression of the male chauvinistic patriarchy right in my face?”
CMC sophomore Clancy Tripp agreed, saying, “I see enough of that at Pub.” Yet the protest escalated, with fervent women’s studies majors carrying signs that read, “We like our Cajun chicken like we like our bras, BUUUURNED,” etc. Ultimately, Pomona’s attempt to placate the women proved futile as both the large added vagina and the original meat sword were painted over. The nonplussed feminists turned their attention to “the problem that has no name” and marked off the “Prometheus that has no penis” as a success. In conclusion, Tooppo noted that while the giant painted vagina empowered female students, “it made it really hard to eat oysters and open-faced steak sandwiches.”
The Porn Star Theory
One theory holds that the infamous Frary fun-stick was once cast in a series of shady pornographic films as a fundraiser to buy new speedos for the Pomona-Pitzer water polo team. Said former Dean of the College John Mark, “Our endowment was a shitshow, what would you do? Kravis, call me…” As the porn industry blossomed in L.A. County, Frary’s mural gave students a sense of pride, a sense that they were making a difference in the world. This hulking Excalibur of man-meat’s success in opening up new jobs for
unemployed promiscuous men and women even inspired students to start their own “Job Creation Club,” which meets Saturday nights at 11 pm in Robbie’s room, dress code: business nude. But then the CUC Chaplain was all like, “Moral integrity blah blah blah respecting yourself yadda-yadda,” and so Frary had to not only remove the offending Wiener Schnitzel, but they also had to paint over Prometheus’s porn star mustache. Woe is me. The pornography business, much to the disappointment of males across the 5Cs, moved elsewhere. Fuck you, Los Angeles County Measure B, fuck you.
The Optical Illusion Theory
Harvey Mudd College “Optical Visuals and Sexuality” professor Edward Mathematicus recently let The Golden Antlers in on a little secret. He divulged that after the original ding-dong was removed from the painting, a group of industrious Mudders undertook the task of creating a new 3D baby-maker that can only be seen from specific angles in certain lights. Said Mudder Karen Compuutre, “The genitalia in question was made by [blah blah blah math sciencey equation stuff] and we’re really proud of it!” Compuutre noted that it even glows in the dark, but warned that the member in question is highly radioactive, “so maybe don’t get your face that close to it.”
The Scavenger Hunt Theory
An ancient Pomona prophecy (that The Golden Antlers totally heard on this camping trip when everyone was telling ghost stories and it was, like, totally scary and shit) claims that the one-eyed monster, if you catch our drift, once removed from the painting was never disposed of at all. Legend holds that it is hidden somewhere on Pomona’s campus and that the lucky soul who finds it may turn it in to the registrar and receive a semester of all A’s. Of course, the same thing happens if your roommate dies, but we’ll leave it up to you to decide which option is more plausible. Each year, like an X-rated Easter Egg hunt, students scour the campus for this sneaky sausage. Public service announcement on behalf of Pomona Sexual Assault Prevention Advocate: “It’s not hidden in anyone’s pants, so stop looking in other people’s pants. Cut it out, this shit is getting ridiculous.”
– Clancy Tripp ’15 CMC
**Partial credit for joke-brainstorming goes to Steven Ory and David Leathers