[dropcap]CMC[/dropcap] freshman Adam Samuels woke up the Sunday after 6:01 with a hangover and a sense of righteous indignation. “Last night, while I was partying with my friends and getting drunk on tuition-funded beer, which to the best of my knowledge, no other
school in the US provides, all I could think was how completely dull it was compared to previous years.” Mr. Samuels, who recently completed his first-ever week of college classes, explained that he had heard many stories about the good old days at CMC and was underwhelmed by the school’s current social culture.
“Back in CMC’s prime, you could do whatever you wanted. You could fuck a keg in the middle of North Quad. You could literally put your dick in the tap hole and fuck it until you came and no one would bat an eyelash. Hell, Camp Sec would probably high-five you while you did it!” Citing 6th-hand knowledge about the way things, “used to be,” Samuels brushed aside concerns about liability issues and the structural integrity of the Green balcony. “CMC’s social culture is what separates us from similar elite colleges. These new rules about wristbands and clear cups are robbing us of our very identity as a school,” said Samuels, who had to ask an upperclassman for directions to Collins dining hall as recently as a week ago.
In the face of all this party adversity, Samuels remains hopeful. “I’m looking forward to my first TNC on Thursday!” he said.
– Liat Kaplan CMC ’17