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Freshman Announces Decision to “Really Buckle Down” This Semester

 

Early Monday morning local CMC freshman Joe Myers announced his decision to “stop fucking around” and start thinking about his future.

Myers expressed his desire to "try [his] hardest" and to "stop puking so goddamn much."
Myers expressed his desire to “try [his] hardest” and to “stop puking so goddamn much.”
After a stunning 14 weeks on campus Myers concluded that he was ready to knuckle down and work hard in his classes.  Myers decided that he “might even apply for a job at KLI” or even “stop calling [his] mom in tears when Pitney calls [him] a socialist yuppie.”

Myers proclaimed that he is now “almost totally over” that one girl who made out with him at Foam and then, like, didn’t even say hi when she saw him in FHS the next day.  Bitch.  He also confirmed that after taking Freshman Writing Seminar and mastering lessons such as “What’s an Apostrophe?” and “How To Not Puke During A Friday Morning Lecture” he is now, like, ten times smarter than any lit major ever.  He plans to take  “Proust and Nabokov: An Advanced Study Senior Elective” next Fall.

With an estimated five or six TNC’s under his belt, Myers feels he is adequately prepared to restore CMC’s party scene to its former glory.  Myers claimed he missed “The Good ‘Ol Days” when TNC themes included gems like “CEOs and Crack Fiends,” “The Fresh Prince of Bel Whore,” and “Sluts, Sluts, Sluts.”  The Golden Antlers estimates that during the aforementioned “Glory Days” Myers was ten years old and still learning the difference between boy parts and girl parts in Miss Stephanie’s Science class.

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It's like Where's Waldo for alcoholics!
It’s like Where’s Waldo for alcoholics!

[Dorm Affairs Chair Abby Michaelson could not be reached for comment as she was being interviewed by The Student Life under charges that her most recent TNC theme “Strong Beautiful Confident Women and Emotionally Mature Non-Gender-Conforming Males” was offensive to ugly insecure women and douchebags.]

Myers has assured his mother that he will “for sure” attend Catholic services at the McAllister Center for Religious Activities “sometime soon” and that he is still saving himself for “a nice girl.”  The Golden Antlers assumes Myers’ mother is not aware of her son’s actions during Toga Party with a certain young lady whose toga was not fastened securely enough, but The Golden Antlers isn’t going to narc on Myers or anything.

Overall, Myers concluded that he was really serious about “getting [his] shit together.”  He plans on studying hard and eating those “vegetables” he’s heard so much about.  Myers expressed his desire to work hard and even “look for an internship.”

Correction: When we said “internship” we really meant “keg.”  Myers is looking for a keg.

– Clancy Tripp CMC ’15

** partial credit for joke brainstormin’ goes to Dante Toppo CMC ’15

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