Hey gang, it’s Clancy here. The Forum refused to publish my candidate statement in its entirety so, here is my story unabridged. You may have heard of my freshman prowess, after all I was invited to join Pitney’s honors class when I was a junior in high school, I know how to arrange my Ath cup so that the servers give me Natty Light, I’m on the football team, and all five of the helicopter transports to UCLA’s hospital during Toga were me. Yes I go that hard. I’m here to outline five of the top reasons why you should elect me your freshman class president as a write-in candidate. Love you 2017!
Simply put, you guys are my family. I was raised by rabid wolves in an abandoned cave in Romania where the blood of innocents dripped down the walls like so many tears, but after talking with you guys in the lounge about Entourage and how much fun WOA was I truly feel that we have connected on a level that binds us together as siblings. After that one time in Honnold where we ran into each other and you said hi to me and I said hi back, I knew that I had found my place here. When I say you CMCers are like family, I mean I would do anything. If you need help with your FWS homework, I got a 4 on AP Lit and Comp so I’ll be there to help you. If you are lonely and want someone to talk to about how much you miss Boston or whatever, my flight here had a connection through Philly so I totally relate to that East Coast shit. If you are in some freak roller coaster accident where both your legs are caught in the suspension mechanism and severed permanently, I’ll give you mine no questions asked.
Hello guys, I came to this school for a reason. Not only have I attended the Hough O Brien Youth Leadership Conference For Promising High Schoolers twice, I was also voted Vice President of West Central Public High School two years in a row. Just to reiterate here guys, I was very popular in high school AKA secondary school AKA the level of schooling the main character in Never Been Kissed returns to. High school. Just for all you ESL students out there: that’s, once again, hai-skewl.
3. Social Life
Guys, I’ve been to Pub twice now, so I can tell you that I want to improve our campus’ social life and I know just how to do it. I know it’s sorta monumental but, and I’m just spitballing here, what if we circulated some petition that asked DOS to, like, give us more freedom and less fences? I know, I know, people always told me I was uniquely talented at coming up with new ideas in high school and bam, here I am just being original. Oh and also, I will throw dry events for those of you who don’t drink. HAHAHAHHAAHHAHA naw Jk I’m just fucking witchu let’s rage.
Once, I was at this Chinese Buffet in Detroit at my cousin’s quinciñera and as I was deciding which egg roll looked the least tetanus-infected, I looked up and made eye contact with the most beautiful hunk of bone structure I have ever seen. That’s right, I once made eye contact with THE Gavin Landgraf. I think that reference pretty much speaks for itself. Suck it Austin.
I’ll make them. And you’ll order them. And then you won’t like them so you wont pick them up or pay for them. So then I’ll have to give them away for free. Assholes.
Alright, that’s all I’ve got. Vote for me as a write-in candidate for Class of 2017 Class President.
– Clancy Tripp CMC ’17