** We here at The Golden Antlers have not edited or amended the candidate statements in any way. We prefer to let the candidates battle to the death over their humor (or lack thereof) without any interference from us. Without further ado, your Freshman Class President candidates!!
Dear my beautiful peers,
I want to start by saying, F U. In the words of everyone’s favorite animated sponge: “F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me.” (Freshman class bikini bottom party?) Yes, my message here is F U. Not only because it stands for friendship, but also because F.U. are the initials of Frank Underwood. Why is this relevant? Because if you want to make something happen, I’ll go to whatever lengths to make your wildest dreams come true. Though L.A. hasn’t figured out a subway system yet, I’ll work it out.
I can’t promise friendship and fun class bonding events. But of course, I can promise you horseback riding to class, ice cream sandwiches delivered to your dorm on weeknights at 10PM exactly, and personal massages every Sunday morning. It’s because I love you. To end on a Taylor Swift quote, “it’s a love story, so baby just say yes (to voting for Dave).”
I’d like to begin by talking a little bit about myself. I’m a very open and approachable person and because of this, it’s not rare for people to ask me where I’m from. I quickly respond that I’m from Colombia and that’s where the questions rapidly begin: “Oh, like the university?” No….. “Oh, Columbia, South Carolina?” No…. I’m from Colombia – the country. Colombia is known for it’s exportation of roses, coffee and other energizing products, but how do I connect to Colombia?
In the morning of April 29, 1996, a baby was born in the middle of a coffee field – that baby was me. I started out as a mere seedling, nurtured by my parents as I got to know the ways of life. After careful nurturing of the seedling, I went to school and slowly matured over time. When it came time for the harvest, Claremont McKenna was my harvester. Specialty coffee is always hand-picked to ensure that only the best and ripest coffee cherries are picked, which is how we all end up here as the Class of 2018. Now, after the harvest it’s time for the processing of the coffee cherries before we are all exported after graduation. But you can’t have good coffee without good coffee processing, I mean who likes crappy coffee? That’s precisely why you should vote for me for Freshman Class President. The processing method plays an integral role in the life of the coffee bean – I’ll make sure to choose the best processing method. By creating events that promote positive experiences throughout our freshman year, I’ll make sure that we turn out to be the best beans out there! A vote for me is a vote for good quality coffee!
Here is a list of quotes that could either apply to my presidential campaign… or an enormous poop
“The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire” – Robert Kiyosaki
“Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it” – Confucius
“A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, mostly sits” – Woodrow Wilson
“Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired doing the hard work you already did” – Newt Gingrich
“Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!” – Percy Shelley
“The world knows nothing will make an Englishman shit quicker than the sight of George Washington.” – Abraham Lincoln (I guess this would explain the David Oxtoby (Pomona’s President) pictures outside of the bathrooms.
“Success is not a function of the size of your title but the richness of your contribution” – Robert S. Sharma
“You can’t look at a glass half full or empty if it’s overflowing.” – Kanye West
“If there is no struggle, there is no progress.” – Frederick Douglass
Now who’s ready for some campaign PROMISES????
- AC IN NORTH QUAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! haha jk
- Complimentary full service bar, hot tub, trampoline room, repeal obamacare? I will get it done
- no surrrslllyyyyy guyyyzzz, I’m CMC FRESHMAN CLASS PRESIDENT I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT
- If elected I will wear shorts with <1in inseam 3 days a week #Sky’sOutThighsOut (I’m serious about this)
Seeing as this is a political piece, I’d like to finish up with some words: “Promoting synergies, “broad horizons,” “dependence on foreign oil,” “Ronald Reagan is the living incarnation of Jesus Christ.” “Obama-care,” “bipartisan,” “No like, I’m serious about the Ronald Reagan thing,” “boots on the ground,” “reaching across the aisle,” “I would literally marry Ronald Reagan tomorrow.”
My 20-Part Platform
- Provide on-campus housing for Scrippsies from the hours of 10pm Thursday-3:30am Sunday
- Brodosh Bash: Bi-weekly TNC with the holy Hiram himself
- Have LiquorLand take Flex (+ shuttle rides)
- 5. 24/7 Brunch, 24/7
- Brotley: Bar right in the fucking middle of North Quad
- KKRagers: Dollar Bills. Red Wine. Prestige.
- Work with Admissions and ensure SUPREME SELECTIVITY by advocating for this: http://thegoldenantlers.com/2013/04/17/breaking-news-claremont-mckenna-college-application-2013-2014-leaked-the-the-golden-antlers/
- Get the 5Cs on Yik Yak’s peek page
- Declare War on Ants. We will stop at nothing.
- Daily office hours for North Quadders from noon-4pm in Collins fridge
- Stag Sequence: Four courses dedicated towards preparing students for a career in investment banking and/or becoming Presidents of the World.
- Research Institute of Claremont McKenna College: Provide world-class research on why CMC kicks total ass. (located 5th floor Kravis)
- Have the Ath be a stopping point for the Waka Flocka x RiFF RAFF Worldwide Tour
- Orientation-style icebreakers for the CMS football team
- Replace the useless hyper-chlorinated water in the fountains with champagne
- Replace the useless patch of land south of CMC with a brewery
- Campus store. Limited to salmon shorts and boat shoes
- Prohibit longboards. Promote Segways.
- Replace You@CMC with Leading Leadership for Tomorrow’s Leaders: A Tutorial
- Study Abroad program for South Quadders to the distant and cultured land of North Quad
“Whatever my ópponents prómise yóu, I will dó it twice as much. Plus cócaine tuesdays. Thank yóu. Vóte Jacksón!”
Remember how I Facebook friended all of you? Yeah. Well I have spent the last 6 months meticulously Facebook stalking each and every one of you. Remember that really embarrassing picture of you from 8th grade? Or the really embarrassing “throwback thursday” picture you posted?
I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that you probably don’t want all your new, cool college friends to see those pictures. But I’ve seen them. I’ve seen every single picture you’ve ever posted, all 300 of you. In conclusion, vote for me for Freshman Class President or I will tell everyone about your embarrassing middle school phase.
Eric Kil. Nephew of Kim Jung Un. North Korean Heir. Master Ninja. Three-time Starcraft National Tournament Runner-Up. Eric Kil is the man for the job. He will serve his class proudly and enthusiastically. Eric will prioritize his class over his social life, schooling, family gatherings, and starcraft educational presentations.
Eric, a published mathematician, will dedicate himself to the hope and posterity of his class, protecting certain unalienable rights to wet parties and the pursuit of happiness.
What’s good Antler Nation,
I’m Eric Millman, your dark horse candidate for this year’s Freshman Class President election. I may not be fb or youtube famous, but I am a straight-up stag born and raised in the greatest city on earth/your nation’s capital. You’ve got a lot of great choices this upcoming election season, from Claremont’s Golden Boy to the 6’8’’ monster they call Reid Dickerson to Alex Maser. So you may be asking yourself, why should I vote for the Millkman? ‘Cause I’ve been delivering the product fresh since ‘96. Lucid, smooth, and rBGH-free.
Some of you may know me from classes, WOA, gettin’ weird at TNC, or just that all-around totally sick freshman rocking the Ray Bands, Sperry’s, and Puck Fomona tank. Either way, I hope to get to know all of you better of the next week and our next four years runnin’ this school together.
Despite my cocky SOB attitude shown above (^^^) I like to think of myself as a pretty approachable, tolerant, and even empathetic guy (sissy shit in a Golden Antlers article? Nice nice). If you guys elect me Class President, I’d be receptive to all views and opinions and would do my very best to ensure that our Freshman year is as all-around great of an experience as our 60k a year can buy us.
Class of 2018, Let’s Make Moves.