The Golden Antlers brings you the following CMC freshman presidential campaign speech:
“Hi, everyone. You know my name and I am running to be your Freshman Class President. I know you’ve just heard from my colleagues, and they all had interesting things to say. Give it up for them. Ok, that’s enough. Stop clapping.
I know that the rest of the speeches took place a few days ago. And you know what? I don’t care. I’m a maverick. I’m here for you, not to play by Big Calendar’s rules.
Some reasons you should vote for me have nothing to do with my character or ability to represent my classmates. What’s more important is that I have a huge network of family friends in Washington who have bestowed unto me the secrets to running an effective student government. I am more qualified to be your Class President than any other 19-year-old in the free world – probably in the whole free universe, actually.
I have more than enough experience to be your President. I served as treasurer of my high school’s student government and barely embezzled any money. I have interned for two sitting PTA presidents, even though they told me they didn’t need or want an intern. I once waved at a city council member in my local Fourth of July parade and she waved in my general direction. I visited the California state Capitol Building on a field trip in the 4th grade and I have watched the Schoolhouse Rock clip on how a bill becomes a law two times.
But this speech isn’t about me. It’s about you. So let’s talk about what I can do for you.
Many great overzealous young men have served as Freshman Class President before me. I look back fondly on their precedent and can only hope to match their level of commitment to buying pizza in bulk and designing tank tops on CustomInk.
But I also have some new ideas in mind. I want to Make CMC Great Again. I want to bring back Cocaine Tuesdays.
There’s been a lot of talk about ASCMC de-funding Cocaine Tuesday, and rightfully so. Cocaine Tuesday is basically why I came to CMC. When I was a prospie, I participated in Cocaine Tuesday and truly felt at home. The entire room was filled with intense conversation, twitching freshmen, a few nosebleeds, and pure joy. It may be destructive, exclusionary, and illegal, but it’s a CMC tradition — one that I feel personally entitled to. I also think that the rest of the Class of 2019 is entitled to this tradition, as well.
I think it is a disgrace that ASCMC has stopped funding this community-building event, especially because it would have been a great way to enter CMC as new students. Using our new ID cards to make lines on econ textbooks is a rite of passage that I feel we’ve missed out on.
The Class of 2019 deserves to participate in the frost-filled legacy of yesteryear. We deserve a forum to let loose Appleby Lounge and make new friends very, very quickly, and with great gusto. We deserve to build a wall of kilogram bricks around this campus with funding from our student government and perhaps some of our countless successful alumni.
Next week, when you’re in the voting booth, remember my platform. I vow to make CMC great again, pad my resume, and buy my friends and myself a shitload of drugs.
If you elect me, I will work tirelessly to bring back Cocaine Tuesdays. Let’s do this together, Class of 2019. Vote for me, and I will put a gram in every nostril in this room.”
By Katinka Ingabogovinanana ’18 and Liat Kaplan ’17