Welcome to CMC, youths. We know this can be a trying time as you juggle 12 institute applications with your love of Russian ballet, coding, and your pending Goldman internship, which is why we’ve decided to take pity and explain how to relax occasionally and join our high-functioning institution. We have meetings on Tuesdays. 6:01 isn’t a time of day, it’s a lifestyle. Thus, we humbly present the Fall 2016 CMC Wine Tasting Guide, presented in part by Liquorland and that one senior apartment. Bailey’s: What your professors put in their coffee to deal with you. Pp Barefoot Vineyards: Chardonnay with an ice cube? Sup, mom. Belvedere: Looks like Grey Goose. Tastes like Grey Goose. Isn’t Grey Goose. Bud Light: Down for whatever…the next beer over is. Bud Light Lime: Bathe in it for that “just got done with a stripper in Cabo” aroma all the kids are raving about. Burnett’s: Because the Stags drinking team has a baseball problem. Captain Morgan: Keep that Pirate Party mentality around all year. Ciroc: For birthdays and that one kid who thought he was Jay Z in 9th grade at his own party in his parent’s basement. Coors Light: Because “raccoon piss” doesn’t have that same ring to it. Was the official sponsor of TNR from ‘86 to ‘89. Everclear: The only legal use of this is for taking paint off old bleachers near Pritzlaf. Fireball: Cinnamon, with just a slight aftertaste of regret. Start here. Franzia: Perfect for turning that toga into a tie-dye print. The Glenlivet: You pronounced it wrong the first time you said it. You know who you are. Grey Goose: What martinis are made of once you get that first paycheck. That sound you hear is your wallet emptying. Guinness: Oh, so you went out in Europe one time? Hennessey: Percocet isn’t going to chase itself. Heard you listen to Future, bruh. Jack Daniels: For your inner lumberjack that never shaves. Jack Daniels Honey: For your inner lumberjack that shaves his legs. Johnny Walker: Nobody can tell there’s a direct correlation between how rich you are and what color label your dad drinks, bro. José Cuervo: #bringbackTequilafest2k16 Kirkland Lite: For when you want your memories of going to Costco with your mom erased. Kirkland Vodka: Subtle hints of “college budget” with a few “free samples” overtones. Limearitas: For when you only have 6 minutes until TNC starts and your friend has already called you 4 times complaining about that one girl wearing that skirt. Malibu: Dat plastic is the epitome of cla$$y though. Mike’s Hard: The one guys drink in secret. Mike’s Harder: The one guys actually drink in secret. Moscato: Because you can’t decide what to get at the Motley. Natural Light: Used for watering Parent’s field by ASCMC for their “giving back” initiative and by your brother’s frat at Boulder. Pacifico: “Trying to bring culture back from Cancún.” –Actual freshman circa 2011 Patrón: For all those times you went into Vons and thought, “Well, agave sounds like a superfood.” PBR: For when your friend is drinking it “ironically,” even when it’s $9 in a friggin mason jar at a hipster bar. Smirnoff: Subtle tones of “is this your first shot?” with layers of “I drank this in high school all the time.” Smirnoff Ice: For when you’re passive-aggressively trying to get back at your roommate. Or just have some time on a Tuesday morning. SoCo: The one thing you remember from that time you blacked at USC. Now go out there and make us proud.