As an end of the year treat to our loyal readers, and – who are we kidding – ourselves, we here at The Golden Antlers decided it was high time to re-publish our most offensive article of all time. While last December we were forced to retract the article due to the fragile egos of involved parties, we came to the conclusion that the CMS football team has officially won a football game and, thus, is emotionally equipped to handle an article of such devastating cruelty.
[Dec 6, 2012]
It was a sad day at Claremont McKenna College today, after George “Broseph” Roberts ’66 retracted his historic 50 million-dollar gift upon learning that our beloved Stags Football Team went 0-9 this season.
The donation would have knocked down Ducey Gymnasium and replaced it with “Roberts Pavilion.” The new facility was meant to further Roberts’ dream of “a new generation of Mega Stags, who could squat more weight than their uninflated SAT scores, a softball team with more testosterone and lean muscle mass than The Hulk, and a man cave where Kravis, Day, Romney, and myself can bro out and make 99 percent jokes.”x
According to the website of JFAK Architects, the dynamic, sculptural form of the proposed building reflects the athletic activities that take place inside it. Its shell of colored, perforated metal panels likewise alludes to the breathing, perspiring skin of an exercising student. “This makes sense,” attested local gym rat Madeline Stein ’15, “since every student dreams of getting swoll in the internal organs of a giant, sweating, metal box.”
Before the cancellation of the project, President Gann was extremely hopeful it would be a big success. “Our choice to focus on a new athletic facility,” said Gann, “was to foster the well-rounded aspect of a liberal arts education. This school is not just about being great in class, but also outside of class. It was a decision of breadth vs. depth, length vs. girth.” Gann reminded students that with this gym, CMC planned to take the lead in the CMC-PO dick measuring contest by at least two inches. Unfortunately, it was not to be.
According to Roberts, “Never, in the history of the college, has a team actually just been completely defeated. This is worse than that time we accidently let girls in the school! A real bro-ner kill. 37-0 to Pomona!? How could you lose to those bro-maphrodites? Christopher Columbro didn’t discover this new world so that we could get made fun of in the biggest satirical publication at the 5Cs, The Student Life! Un-bro-lievable.”
Now that we won’t have a new center for lifting heavy things up and putting them down, the big question is: What will Roberts do with the 50 million in his pocket? Current rumors include making it rain next TNC, leading a leveraged buyout of CMC, origami, and even a new gym for our friends south of 6th street called P-P Place.
– Ender Wiggin ’15 CMC
*partial credit for joke brainstorming goes to Sam Pitcavage ’15 CMC
[originally published in December 2012]