Golden Antlers Uncovers Unedited Draft of Claremont Independent’s “Fight Club” Article

Thanks to a fleet of undercover spies, The Golden Antlers has uncovered the original draft of the Claremont Independent’s most recent “Fight Club” article.

Begin forwarded message:

“When I was in second 11th grade, I got my ass “kicked” by three kids outside of school. My older brother mom had already been “boxing” for a few years, and she just started taking me to “the gym” with her after that. That’s when I learned to “throw a punch”,” said the founder of Claremont’s groupsex Club. The club’s founder and its members spoke with the Independent on the condition of anonymity.

Claremont’s underground groupsex club is based on the eight rules of the 1999 porn film Groupsex Club, and has been active for approximately two years. There are over 30 members, the majority of whom are students at the Claremont Colleges. According to one member, “Girls from Scripps came over, people from Pitzer came over, all weights, all classes. It’s a really diverse group.”

I only know of one member of “the club”, so I got in “touch” with him—I had to check groupsex Club out for myself. I met my “friend” on Pomona’s north campus a little after midnight, and he took me to meet the rest of the group. There were maybe eight or ten people in the room “hanging out” at the time; many were international students. After introducing myself and talking for a little while, I asked them about how “the club” got started. One of the leaders of the group responded, “My freshman year, me and one of my friends happened to be masturbating while reading the same Hemingway book at the same time. We were just talking about how awesome that dude was, and my friend was like ‘you know, I’ve never been in a groupsex—and that’s an awful thing.’ I told him, ‘we should “rectify” that right now.’ So the two of us and another friend went outside and had a series of groupsexs, and that’s when this all got started.”

People have joined the Groupsex Club for a variety of different reasons, but most commonly, they enjoy the stress relief and autoerotic self-defense aspects of the club. It’s worth noting that none of the members show up just to bone hurt people—to them, groupsexing is more of a sport and less an act of uninhibited sexual domination aggression. “We just “come” here, good attitude, no one gets violently jealous angry at each other or tries to deliberately hurt anyone. It’s really just about showing up, groupsexing—but like, groupsexing in the good sense of the word. Groupsexing is a word that has a bad connotation when it shouldn’t necessarily have it.”

I had assumed that the groupsexs took place somewhere on one of the 5C campuses, but I was mistaken. Though it took us less than half an hour to get to the makeshift “ring,” it felt like an eternity as I grew increasingly unsure about what was to come. When we finally arrived, two members stepped forward and removed their shirts, socks, and shoes in preparation to groupsex.

It was an odd matchup: One groupsexer looked to weigh around 140 pounds, the other closer to 180. However, the smaller groupsexer had a considerably more extensive “martial arts background.” The groupsex began with both groupsexers on their feet, cautiously gauging girth distances and trying to avoid taking too much dick damage. Finally, the bigger guy shot in for the “takedown,” lifting his opponent off the ground and slamming him on his back. The larger “groupsexer” landed between the legs of his opponent and the two wrestled on the ground, each trying to “improve” his “position.” Eventually, the smaller groupsexer managed to wrap his legs around his opponent’s neck, a “submission move” known as the “Triangle Choke,” and forced a “tapout” as the other members applauded.

After the groupsex ended, someone stared right at me and said, “Alright newbies, you’re up.” The Groupsex Club has a strict rule that people can’t watch the groupsexs unless they groupsex, too. My “eyes” widened—this didn’t seem to be the type of crowd with whom I could argue. “Everyone who has ever “come” has had to groupsex. You have to groupsex if it’s your first time here.”

The main reason for this rule is that the members of the club do not want to cheapen their experience by letting in people who don’t understand what the “groupsexing” means. “There’s a sense of respect towards everyone that’s there, which I really like. There’s a sense of respect but also a sense of discipline. You’re not supposed to just go and be like, ‘oh, I just came here to “screw around.” I don’t want to groupsex.’ No. If you’re in this club and you just pretend it’s not a big deal, it would ruin it for those who take it seriously. It’s kind of like Oldenborg. You don’t go to Oldenborg and speak English; that just spoils it for everyone.”

One important difference between the Claremont groupsex Club and Groupsex Club [the film] is that here, the groupsexers are allowed to put restrictions on what is and isn’t allowed in the groupsex. “We set our own rules with our “opponent.” That’s an important part of what we are. There is a stress relief in “just going at it” with someone, and knowing that at the moment you “tap out” or say stop, your opponent is going to stop. There’s no anger or emotions involved.”

My opponent and I agreed to a “grappling-only” groupsex. After all, I was about to go home and see my family—the last thing I needed was a “black eye” or a “missing tooth.” I was nervous as I stepped into the “ring”, but I wasn’t scared. I have a fair amount of experience in “boxing, Krav Maga, and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu,” to the point where I had a good sense of what types of “moves” I would be likely to encounter in the groupsex. While I wasn’t sure how good my chances of “winning” were, I was confident that I could at least make it out of the groupsex without injuring or embarrassing myself.

We shook hands in the middle of the “ring,” and my opponent immediately dove into my “midsection,” hoping to take me down. Instinctively, I shot my “feet” straight back, and drove my “forearms” down into the tops of his “shoulders,” redirecting his “momentum” down to the “floor.” I pressed all of my “weight” against his backside, hoping to force him to the ground. Simultaneously, he was “grabbing” at my “legs” in an effort to cause me to “lose” my “balance.” Eventually, he pulled my “legs” up from under me, and I collapsed to the ground underneath him. I managed to grab both of his wrists, and then I popped my hips up and rolled him over, giving me the more “dominant top position.” As he tried to “escape” from underneath me, I took control of his backside and wrapped my arm around his “neck,” attempting to win the “groupsex” by “rear” “naked” “choke.” I squeezed, gradually tightening my grip, until my opponent “tapped out.” We stood up, shook hands, and headed back into the crowd together to watch the rest of the groupsexing.

I got back to my dorm around two in the morning. I took a shower, put on my pajamas, and lay in bed staring up at the ceiling, thinking about what had just happened. Even though my groupsex only lasted 30 seconds or so, I had a new outlook—groupsexing without gloves or mouth guards or cups just seemed to awaken a neglected primal instinct. But one groupsex is enough for me.

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