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Golden Antlers Undercover Reporters Investigate Scripps Coalition Against More Scandal


Following the explosive events of February 17th on the Scripps College campus, many students at the consortium expressed confusion regarding the nature of the protests. As per its commitment to investigative reporting, the GA dispatched plainclothes journalists at each campus to discern general 5C sentiment.

Claremont Men’s College:

photo property of The Scripps Voice
photo property of The Scripps Voice

Reactions at CMC were mixed. Several students quickly joined the Shannen Miller-spearheaded “We Want More Men” campaign, which focuses on bringing the twin entities of co-ed enrollment and steely-eyed pragmatism to CMC’s sister to the north. Others were simply confused; one nameless bro asked “Who doesn’t want more money?” Within hours, a rumor circulated that Scripps students were protesting the inadequacy of the capital campaign, as the requested sum is the approximate cost of annual maintenance of the Kube. “Oh, they want more-er. Okay!” exclaimed the aforementioned bro after hearing this explanation.

Harvey Math College:

GA reporters were unfortunately unable to fully decipher Harvey Mudd reactions because we failed to dispatch on-site Dothraki and Elvish translators. However, one reporter who had recently watched the director’s cut of LOTR could pick out a few phrases. Several theoretical math majors appeared to be attempting to quantify “more.”

Pitzer College Free Association:

photo property of The Scripps Voice
photo property of The Scripps Voice

Students were spotted leaving the Mounds in masses and excitedly grabbing rolls of blue duct tape to join their Scripps colleagues. As Pitzer students convened for a pre-protest sit-in/be-in/love-in, main buzzwords included “censorship,” “classism,” “imperialism,” and, inexplicably, “Trotskyism.” Upon questioning by GA staff, few students seemed aware of the exact issues underpinning the Scripps protest, but several students had Sharpied “#occupyRevelleHouse” on their foreheads in an act of solidarity. Sadly, few Pitzer students managed to find Revelle House in time for the protest, most likely because Smokeforce has never been hosted there.

The Harvard of the Greater Claremont Area:

Pomona leadership allotted time from drafting their Declaration of Independence to examine the issues identified by Scripps Voice‘s staff. The reaction was generally favorable and Scripps dissenters were invited to join the secession movement.

Scripps College for Womyn:

By nightfall, the Scripps campus was in utter disarray. Clear consensus on the protest was not reached, as many students were unable to move past defining their use of the word “more.” A sizable minority was overheard fruitlessly asking Malott Commons staff for more pesto. Should the GA staff take the Scripps Voice’s front page writers at their word for their full representation of Scripps College, it would appear that the administration is a ruthless oligarchy and students are angry about literally everything.

– Ellie McElvain SCR ’14, Theresa Iker SCR ’14

– with parts of the concept by Christie Kweon SCR ’15

(for more information and background, contact the Scripps Coalition Against More or check out this article.)


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