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Google Unveils Hotly Anticipated New Product


Hot on the heels of Google’s much-hyped Google Glass© and the Google driverless car comes a new product that’s sure to have nerds everywhere salivating. Google CEO Larry Page announced last Thursday morning that the multi-billion dollar company plans to release what he called “the most revolutionary invention since Google Sliced Bread©.”

but like, how did they even know where they were going without phones?
but like, how did they even know where they were going without phones?

In line with what he called “the real-world experience,” Page unveiled the long-awaited Google Maps Paper Edition©.  Page explained to the press that Google was a company sensitive to travelers who may not have access to 3G, 4G, or the Notorious B.I.G.  The 40-year-old CEO gave a brief demo on how to use the product explaining that in order to use the “zoom” feature one simply brings Google Maps Paper Edition© closer to one’s face.  He did, however, warn eager audience members that Google Glass© and Google Maps Paper Edition© are “in no way meant to be used at the same time” and furthered “seriously, that shit’ll blow your fucking mind.”

At press time Apple was working day and night on their own prototype of the maps.  Their updated Apple Maps Paper Edition© is expected to be released in early January.  Timothy Cook, Apple’s current CEO, claims “it’ll be just like Google Maps Paper Edition©, except in our version a lot of the streets are just, like, one hundred percent in the wrong place.  And we made up some streets.  And created an entirely new state we like to call West Indiana because the artist sorta fucked up and we had extra space.”  PC World product reviewer Ian Robinson called the company’s new slogan “Get Lost With Us” both “alarmingly fitting” and “entirely too literal.”

AOL is also rumored to be working on their own incarnation of the maps….hahahahhahahahahahhahaha no I’m just kidding.  AOL researchers are still trying to figure out how market to customers who don’t use dialup and/or are below the age of eighty.

– Clancy Tripp CMC ’15, concept by Sam Pitcavage CMC ’15


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