Though it’s barely mid-semester, the faculty and registrar are already hard at work planning next semester’s class offerings. One new class, “Jerking Off to Reagan Speeches” has been garnering a great deal of attention.
Government Department Chair Saul Wright-Leaning explained, “This class is a reaction to complaints we’ve had from students of all political affiliations. Many students complained of having liberal ideals like ‘human rights’ shoved down their throats in classes and wanting to create a safe space for Republicans. We’ve also had complaints about students being made uncomfortable by the bulging, trickledown-induced boners of some students in their classes”. One member of the College Democrats who wished to remain anonymous told the Golden Antlers, “A guy in my politics class actually said ‘It’s a moral outrage the Gipper never won a Nobel Peace Prize’. I’m sick of having to dodge Morning (Wood) in America cumshots. Just give them their own class for that already please.”
Wright-Leaning continued, “We decided to give the students what they really wanted. Too many of our classes offered bipartisan history. Students were frustrated by constantly boner-killing interruptions”. Explained one student, “There’s nothing as annoying as when you’re rubbing one out to A Time For Choosing and the teacher suddenly starts talking about why LBJ beat Goldwater in the 1964 election. Talk about a case of blue-state balls”.
This new class will go the whole hog (or elephant, if you will) and give students the opportunity for an all-Reagan-all-the-time circle jerk for an hour each Tuesday and Thursday. Concluded Wright-Leaning, “finally conservative students will have the chance to strangle their tiny welfare-hating cocks to the Evil Empire speech without fear of judgment or reproach”.
The class will be cross-listed as both an upper-level Government course and a PE credit (GOV 169 and PE 112).