In an uncharacteristically fiery speech delivered Friday on the floor of the iconic Pitzer Student Senate, Republican Minority Leader Mitch McConnell alleged that Merrick Garland, the Biden administration’s nominee to head the Campus Aesthetics Committee, would wreak havoc on the campus’ “traditional American values”. McConnell, who infamously refused to bring a vote to both Garland’s previous nomination to the Supreme Court in 2016 and his trademark Meatless Monday proposal of 2018, said that the US Circuit Judge would bring an aesthetic philosophy of “radical leftism” to the walls and architecture of Pitzer College. “This institution has been a model of American conservatism since its founding in 1963,” McConnell declared, “and Judge Garland wants to destroy everything Pitzer students hold dear: dairy milk, closed-toe shoes, and of course, unbridled capitalism.”
After the Senate broke for recess, McConnell spent the next 30 minutes leading reporters around some of the more historic works of art at Pitzer, pointing to murals that pay homage to conservative American icons such as Che Guevara, Mega Man, and Bob Marley. “Every day, students walk past these true American heroes and can be proud of the country they call home,” he told reporters, “Merrick Garland wants to take that away from them”. Trying to drive the point home, the Republican minority leader then led reporters to the famed Pitzer “Free Wall”, showing them a stick-figure depiction of Judge Garland crying and helplessly shitting himself, something McConnell had spray painted himself earlier in the day. “I think it speaks for itself”.