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Harvey Mudd College Entertains Possibility Of Other Claremont Colleges

 

Early last week, Joseph Hillman, HMC ‘20, and his team of student astrologists at Harvey Mudd, once believed to be the only college in Claremont, stumbled across a fascinating discovery while attempting to observe structures lying outside of the Mudd Bubble. Directing a powerful telescope into the abyss, the researchers discerned what appeared to be a tower rising high above the wasteland which the team named the ‘Pomona Tower’ in homage to Cal Poly Pomona, a sponsor of the project.

“It’s really an unprecedented discovery,” Hillman, marveled this past Monday when interviewed about his research. “There has been some evidence of this but up until now no one has been able to find definitive proof.”

“If this means what we think it means, there could potentially be one or more other colleges in Claremont, forever changing our understanding of the 1C, or rather, the >1C,” says team researcher Jasmine Stafford, HMC ’21. “People have already been throwing crazy ideas out there with this new discovery, like the possibility of non-STEM majors or manageable coursework. At this point, it’s all speculation, but these discoveries could have extraordinary implications we’ve never dreamed of.”

The concept of other Claremont Colleges, however, has been suggested for years, albeit with little credibility or evidence. Numerous reports of Mudders meeting students who claim to come from other colleges in Claremont have been dismissed as merely hallucinatory effects of work exhaustion or simply Claremont Truther propaganda. As a direct result of Hillman and his team’s work, though, these reports have been carefully reviewed for counterevidence to the 1C Theory.

One particular encounter, dubbed the Scripts Report, has generated significant excitement among the scientific community at Mudd. The report recounts the experience of a credible senior Nicholas Jacobsen, HMC ’20, who claims to have met a student from outside the Mudd Bubble during Wet Season. 

The report states “…difficulty conversing with the alien because she could not speak fluent LaTeX…” and a “…stunning disinterest in pyromania…”, but after overcoming these communication obstacles, the alleged ‘extramuddian’ student revealed that not only did four other Claremont Colleges exist– including Pomona– but students at the colleges were also aware of HMC’s existence. The alien repeatedly cited cryptic “scripts” and elucidated to Mudders’ “complete ignorance and antisociality,” although the definite meaning of these statements cannot be determined due to lack of semicolons at the end of lines.

In spite of the report’s bizarre references to seemingly contradictory terms like “beautiful architecture” and an “all women’s college”, support for the 5C Theory has been gaining support and sparking imaginations across campus. When asked for some possible next steps, Hillman boldly suggested “sending scouting missions outside of Mudd to determine […] what kind of parties could exist out there, we’re very interested in other ways of […] partying […] and alcohol,” or, alternatively, “using medieval siege weapons.”

Until then, researchers at Mudd vigilantly wait for more signs of life from beyond the Mudd Bubble.

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