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Harvey Mudd Student Dunks Head in Sink in Valiant Effort to Participate in Showering

 

BREAKING: Mudd Man Maverick Mudle ‘24 was discovered earlier this morning completely submerged in a residence hall sink after a rough tumble with his 27-in-one body wash. Attempting a complete overhaul of systemic filth at Harvey Mudd, Mudle camped out in the Drinkward bathroom, pregaming for his first shower in eight years. At 3:54 A.M., Mudle was discovered at the scene by two students that described him as a fellow “with a sudsy look about him… and also butt-ass naked in a sink.” 

“I didn’t really know what I was doing. I actually didn’t even know showers existed; I just thought they were an urban legend. I’ve seen signs that say to wash your hands above the sinks, and they seemed unused, so I thought it would be the same thing. Though, in retrospect, I guess I should’ve realized that showers would have been bigger, ” reports Mudle.

After endeavoring somewhat unsuccessfully into the world of bathing, Mudle has reportedly sworn off hygiene as a whole. Describing himself as a martyr, Mudle has taken a page out of Pitzer’s book, protesting showering and refusing to touch water, even for consumption. He has gone so far as to convert to a full nudist. Mudle is said to take great pride in his filth-encrusted physique and even hopes to develop and market a new water-free soap for the chronically unwashed.

“You know, it was weird at first—having a naked person in my classroom,” reports Computer Science Professor Steve Stevenson, “but then I realized that I don’t give a shit about these kids anyway and get paid well enough not to care.” 

Although inspiring many Mudd students to join in Mudle’s efforts, the gaggle of nudists parading around the Claremont Colleges has brought to administrative attention the overwhelming stench exuding from the pits of Harvey Mudd. In a survey conducted among students across the four colleges, 64 percent reported the odor to affect their day-to-day living—a whopping 10 percent increase since the survey was last conducted before the pandemic.

“I can smell them from my ground-floor dorm,” reports local Scripps Clark Hall resident. “No, really, that shit is bad.” 

“We’re not sure what the problem is, quite honestly,” says administrative officer Jerald Cummings. “I mean, my office is in Pomona, so I can’t smell it. My colleagues and I agree that since it doesn’t affect us, it must not affect the students.”

On the flip side, many have congratulated Mudd on the pristineness of their showers. Some students have even begun to make the pilgrimage to Mudd to bathe themselves, bringing into motion cross-campus showering at the 5Cs.

“You know, the showers haven’t been cleaned since 1955, but they also haven’t been used since 1955.” 

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