As the eldritch horror known as December sets in, the Honnold-Mudd Library Staff has decided to formally declare the library an official No-Fun Zone in honor of finals. According to the vague yet menacing high council of librarians, this declaration is long overdue. No-fun December presents the perfect opportunity to roll out their official declaration.
In a speech announcing this overhaul, the lord high librarian announced, “For too long, the Honnold-Mudd Library has fostered an infection of amusement, a festering of fun, a pustule of pleasure. In response to this terrifying development, the high council of librarians has officially decided to purge the library of playfulness, to cleanse the library of contentment, to expel enjoyment so that the Claremont Colleges and this library may continue to be a legitimate, serious institution of learning.”
In order to register the library on the Official Register of No-Fun Zones, the library will have to make some modifications to meet the stringent no-fun requirements. The high council of librarians is thrilled to announce the obliteration of the graphic novel section, the zines, and the Braxton Popular reading section. Because burning books is ‘wrong’ (Bradbury, 20) the library has decided to bury the books under the 20 tons of cement that will make up the foundation of the library’s Especially Dry History Texts wing that they totally have the budget for. The area currently occupied by these frivolous texts will be replaced by an extension to the supreme chief of Librarian’s chambers.
Additionally, the high council of librarians’ undergraduate relations minister (also known as the minister in charge of interacting with illiterate plebeians) has announced the adjustment of the Vit@l logo to be an even less cheerful rainbow. “We’re thinking a gradient of different browns, from burnt sienna to a sickly yellow ochre the color of ancient papyrus” said the minister in an official declaration sent by carrier pigeon to The Golden Antlers, “the depressing shades of the current logo just imply too much creativity and humanity,”.
Furthermore, the high council of librarians has decided to supply adequate lighting throughout the entire facility, including the fourth floor. A multitude of hidden CCTV cameras will also be installed in the stacks to ensure that no fun is being had. While the librarians were unwilling to disclose the consequences that would befall fun-havers, several student snapchats have revealed a collection of 18th century riding crops and spanking paddles scattered strategically on each floor.
The standing desk treadmill on the second floor shall be set to run at a speed of no less than 8 miles per hour to ensure that students are experiencing the adequate suffering required to gain wisdom. This settings adjustment serves a dual purpose of also providing supplemental food for the soul of the library, which, as we all know, feeds on blood, sweat, and tears.
The library design minister has bolted all the spinny chairs to the floor, and announced the straightening of all the curved couches as the lack of right angles just won’t fit the no-fun aesthetic. They were considering eliminating the couches all together, as they are “comfortable” and potentially conducive to a pleasant experience, but the enclave of graduate students living in the library protested. After the grad students performed a ritual offering of several rare manuscripts on obscure old English grammar, the high council of librarians ceded to allow only the hardest, scratchiest couches.