The Golden Antlers obtained, via an anonymous whistleblower, an internal memo distributed within the Kravis Leadership Institute (KLI). Below is the memo published in full, edited for clarity and impact.
TO: Kravis Leadership Institute (KLI) Listserv
SUBJECT: Fuck the Golden Antlers; we are better than them [internal MEMO]
In recent years, the most pressing challenge to our institute’s mission has been the crooked, low energy, and frankly sad (!) journal – the Golden Antlers. From flash mobs to lawsuits, those so-called journalists have worked to undermine our important presence on campus. Without the Kravis Leadership Institute, who else at CMC would be able to leverage a powerful alumni network, optimise the superiority complex of our students, and incentivize the core competency of bleeding edge synergy? You need to hear it from us: you matter, and you are better than the Golden Antlers. To reinforce the on-campus hierarchy where KLI sits on top and Golden Antlers toils below with other groundlings, we are excited to be sharing our empowering 360º-campaign that will serve as a guide to shore up your honor, status, and reputation against the Golden Antler’s [sic] juvenile attacks.
Without further adieu, here are five ways to clap back when the Golden Antlers make fun of KLI
- “We’ll see who’s laughing when I make millions more thanks to all the execs, presidents, and politicians that I have access to. Catch you on shark tank, asshole”
- Compare penis sizes*
- Remind them that we hold intellectual property rights to the usage of “synergy”. Take that, fuckers.
- Smirk as you show them your resumé’s score, which, to your knowledge, is the highest on campus
- Proactively come up with a customer-centric, goal-oriented action plan to catalyze a paradigm shift that will unpack and repurpose their misconceptions. In other words, force them (via feeding tube, if necessary) to drink our sweet, sweet kool-aid (a mix of adderall, xanax, and hawaiian punch).
*= make sure to double-dose on viagra beforehand.
The KLI Leadership Team