How to Say “Trump is Going to Win” Without Sounding Too Excited

After an excruciatingly long process of the Democratic Party trying to crush any excitement about them, they have finally succeeded; it’s pretty clear that the DNC is pursuing a bulletproof strategy. The party establishment has thrown its weight behind a moderate candidate in order to prevent Karl Sanders from seizing the means of election. That worked so well in 2016 that it’s completely reasonable to be stressed. But don’t worry.

Let’s face it, like it or not, (but you like it) we’re getting four more years of Trump. The good news is, your upper-middle (who are we kidding, upper class) class suburban life will be the same as always. The bad news? Your opinion isn’t “PC” enough for the cancel-culture-crusaders on the left. Closet conservatives like us are in a tough spot. You might be masquerading as a liberal even now. Maybe you voted for a joke candidate like Bullock, Hickenlooper, or Warren because you knew it wouldn’t matter anyways. Maybe you canvassed for Bloomberg just so you could ensure we got a Republican president either way. Maybe you’ve been complaining about how voting isn’t important because “all the candidates are bad” and it’s just choosing “the lesser of two evils.”

Regardless, you’re gonna need to lay low. Here’s how you can live your truth without raising the ire of your intolerant progressive peers. If you’re ever in doubt, these are some things you can say to blend in:

• “Argh damn! I can’t stand when children get tear gassed. Right guys?”
• “I mean, the economy is doing pretty well.”
• “The muslim ban didn’t even really happen.”
• “He’s popular for a reason. But I mean gross! Not with me.”
• “The dems are a total mess. We really need to get our act together.”
• “Ughhhhh. He’s probably gonna win again. What’s the point of even going out to vote?”

You’re gonna need to work on keeping a straight face for these next ones:

• “I believe Biden has a good chance of beating him in the general.”
• “The KKK endorsed Trump, which is why I would never support him!”
• “I want to reiterate that I will not vote for a candidate that neo-nazis love.”
• “Guys, I’m serious.”

If you can manage to get through all of those talking points without cracking, it’s smooth sailing from here until 2025. When you say “Trump’s going to win again” just make sure that your tiny erection doesn’t poke out of your boot cut jeans.