Look, parents weekend is coming up, and you’re super excited because you know that means you’re getting a free off campus meal. You love it, but after a short while you start getting this sudden urge of needing a break from them. Shockingly enough, that’s due to hormones. Getting a quick second to go fuck is not the easiest thing in the world to do, as your parents want to treasure all the time they have left with you before you become “independent.” Fear not, though, for the GA presents to you a guide to properly sexile your parents this parents weekend:
1. Sit them down at dinner and tell them you need a break
When your parents call asking where you want to eat for dinner, you tell them Bardot (it will make things easier, we promise). For this to work effectively wait until halfway into your meal to begin the conversation. Make sure not to act nervous, as your parents can sense when something is off and then they will ask you “Christopher, is everything ok with you?,” segueing into a 15 minute talk about self-improvement. When you sense the time is right, say “Hey, Mom, Dad, we need to talk.” Make sure to give them it’s the “it’s not you, it’s me” kind of thing before saying that you need to “bust a nut,” as that will make the process smoother.
2. Tell them you have to take a shit
This can be done at any occasion, but it needs to be pulled of with perfect execution. After 30 minutes into whatever you are doing, tell them you are going to head to the bathroom, as you have some “business” to take care of. This window of opportunity can range anywhere from 5 to 20 minutes, so you have to make sure you are fast. Tell your fuckbuddy to meet you at your dorm now and once you’re out of your parents’ sight, make a mad dash to you room.
3. Inform them about the “midterm” you need to study for
Your parents will always want you to succeed, and if you have a midterm to study for, they will leave you alone. Make sure not to milk it too much though, as your parents will definitely call out your bullshit immediately and then force you to spend time with them. However, if played right, your parents will leave you alone for the rest of the night so that you can study, allowing you to have one hell of a night out.
4. Leave them at some activity that your school planned
When deciding when and where to ditch your parents, you get to choose from a variety of events such as speakers, tours of the campus, and lemonade and cookies gathering happening in the middle of quad. These events are highly trafficked, so it is very easy to loose them in the crowd. Make your way with them to the middle of the crowd and just slip off. After successfully leaving them behind, head back to your dorm for a quickie. Your parents will text you asking where you went.You should respond “Still here, looking for you,” as that will give you more time before they head back to your room.
5. Leave a sock on the door
If all else fails, just leave a sock on the door. It’s simple, classic, and timeless. It might even make them think nostalgically back on that one time they got laid in college. Your parents will get the message and leave you alone for the 1 minute and 24 seconds it takes you to finish.