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Hub Decidedly Not Bro Enough

so unchill it hurts

What used to be a casual place for bros to just chill has been turned into a plastic playground or an IKEA-lover’s wet dream.

so unchill it hurts

Couches full of character have been replaced by flimsy leaf-like chairs, and tables from the Denny’s on Foothill. Football player Brian Klare says of the changes in furniture, “Those things, like, barely support the defensive line.”

Bros all over North Quad are coming out in protest of CMC’s choice to destroy the only haven for sports lovers at the 5Cs, and non-bros are starting to pay attention. “There’s, like, not really a place for me and the guys to hang out, like obviously not Pitzer, and the Coop is kind of girly and shit,” Klare continues. Klare’s teammate John Stein claims that the changes were brought on by complaints from the student body that the male to female ratio at the Hub was too high, but that “chicks would still come chill too, it was just like a chill place for chillers.”

The CMC Administration made a number of changes to the campus grounds after complaints last year that the fountains were “dangerous” for having metal rods in the bottom and the Hub was “dirty.” However, the Hub’s changes are even garnering negative attention from girls on campus. CMC junior Joy Lee says, “I’m not really into the bro thing, but they deserve to have their own space like everyone else. I don’t really see them when I’m at the Motley.”

Other girls seem to be now turned off by guys who enjoy spending time in a room with bubble designs on the walls. Sophomore Erin Locke says, “We miss the old Hub, where all the couches were super comfy and it didn’t matter if we drunkenly dropped mozz sticks on the floors.”

It’s like they care about my cholesterol or some shit

In addition to changing the general décor, the Hub has changed its menu to reflect a wider variety of vegetarian options, and programming on the TVs is more varied than it has been in previous years. The changes have proved to attract a more diverse crowd and have encouraged persnickety females to eat something besides the turkey wrap. But resident bros are not satisfied. “We get that people want to chill in our space, and that’s totally cool. But come on, the TVs don’t even show ESPN3 anymore.”

While administration officials have pointed out that returning the Hub to its previous state would be a definite step in the wrong direction, they acknowledge that a certain je ne se quoi has been lost in the transformation. In the meantime, bros and non-bros alike are sure to find some greasy couches to crash on, even if they have to go all the way to Mudd.

– Katya Abazajian ’14 CMC


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