Claremont, Calif.–This morning, President Hiram Chodosh called a Press Conference to announce an exciting development within ASCMC. Former Vice-President and current Presidential nominee Joe Biden’s son, Hunter, has officially accepted a role on ASCMC. Hunter has extensive experience performing roles he is vastly underqualified for and says that he is “excited to join the team and learn what ASCMC stands for.”
Hunter is set to head up ASCMC’s new “Oil and Gas” division. Like many of Hunter’s previous positions, his new boss, President Chodosh, decided to create this role for Hunter on the spot. During the Press Conference, President Chodosh noted the importance of this new role: “Given the CMC’s foray into drilling under Robert’s Pavillion looking for oil, it only makes sense that ASCMC has a say in the matter. It is important to allow students to have input on this campus to remind that John Farranda is not the only voice that administration listens to.”
The venture already shows promise as it has found its first major donor, Claremont McKenna’s Student Investment Fund (SIF). A spokesman for the historically unprofitable and downright disastrous fund is quoted as saying, “As always, SIF is committed to thoughtlessly throwing money at absolute dumpster fires. It’s what our investors have come to expect from us.”
When asked further about where this money is coming from and why it is not going towards supporting critical underfunded groups on campus like The Golden Antlers, the spokesman responded, “We want to support projects and resources that will benefit the underrepresented students the most. Taking Kravis’s excess donations and not putting it towards innovation would be a disgrace to the CMC community.”
Biden’s new appointment does have some opponents. Some students are upset that ASCMC has brought on somebody closely associated with the current impeachment proceedings. However, they are bring largely dismissed as “commie pinkos who hate America.”
Hunter has begun to settle in as a new Stag and already changed his LinkedIn profile picture to a shot in front of The Kravis Center. We also think he has a Scripps girlfriend but we’re not actually sure if they’re dating or not.
In other news, Joe Biden has donated $10 million to CMC.