In a medium post released today, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos offered news that has shaken America to its core. According to Mr. Bezos, the vile tabloid National Enquirer has secured a series of compromising images of the CEO and his lover. The National Enquirer has threatened to release these pictures if Bezos refuses to end his private investigation into the Enquirer’s earlier act of publishing his cool and normal sexts.
Mr. Bezos has bravely refused to comply with the Enquirer’s demands, so it’s time for regular Americans like you and me to do our part. I swear on my honor that I WILL NOT view any lewd images of Jeff Bezos, regardless of what may be released.
The images that the National Enquirer claims to possess include the following:
- Mr. Bezos face selfie at what appears to be a business meeting.
- Ms. Sanchez response — a photograph of her smoking a cigar in what appears to be a simulated oral sex scene.
- A shirtless Mr. Bezos holding his phone in his left hand — while wearing his wedding ring. He’s wearing either tight black cargo pants or shorts — and his semi-erect manhood is penetrating the zipper of said garment.
- A full-length body selfie of Mr. Bezos wearing just a pair of tight black boxer-briefs or trunks, with his phone in his left hand — while wearing his wedding ring.
- A selfie of Mr. Bezos fully clothed.
- A full-length scantily-clad body shot with short trunks.
- A naked selfie in a bathroom — while wearing his wedding ring. Mr. Bezos is wearing nothing but a white towel — and the top of his pubic region can be seen.
- Ms. Sanchez wearing a plunging red neckline dress revealing her cleavage and a glimpse of her nether region.
- Ms. Sanchez wearing a two-piece red bikini with gold detail dress revealing her cleavage.
I won’t lie: these pictures sound awesome, and I don’t doubt that by viewing them I could learn a lot about how to be cool and erotic like Mr. Bezos. Nonetheless, I will not do it. In times like these, we must demonstrate the same courage Jeff Bezos has, and refuse to look at pictures of his hog.
There are practical reasons to ignore these photos as well. If I were to see Mr. Bezos’s actual penis, I would no longer be able to imagine it as I currently do: as a 5 to 7 inch version of the hairless and veiny Bezos himself.
To the owner of the Enquirer, Mr. David Pecker, I say this. Have some decency – if you must put pictures of someone’s penis on the Internet, let it be your own Pecker.
I invite you, the reader, to stand with me and Mr. Bezos. Share this post to PLEDGE not to look at, print out, or tape to your bedroom ceiling any nudes of Jeff Bezos that may be released.
After all, the only package that the American people want from Mr. Bezos is the kind that ships in two days and is prepared by an underpaid worker who is rarely allowed to piss.