* This article series reviews the Claremont Colleges bathroom facilities. If you are looking for the 5C law and public policy journal, click here.
** The Golden Antlers encourages our readership to visit the bathrooms featured in the “I Shit You Not” series at their bowel movement’s convenience. And if you ever run out of toilet paper in a time of need, pages 5-6 of the latest TSL issue is clinically proven to be a gratifying two-ply substitute.
Skeptics ask: why? What is the point of evaluating 5C restrooms? The reasons for doing so are numerous:
- Resurrect the long lost discipline of Lavatonomy
- Create a fecal-positive culture on campus
- Instigate funding potential for increased toilet seat weight capacity
- And I direct quote from paragraph two of the United States Declaration of Independence: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that not all bathrooms are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain alienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of profuse amounts of Clorox air freshener.
Without further apoo, the Pomona Art History Faculty Offices, Room 207 review:
I ascend the winding staircase of the Pomona art history department to the second floor, whereupon reaching the top I see the door of men’s bathroom “207”.
I walk in and immediately am given minimalist, designer bathroom vibes. The interior is all white. White walls, white hexagonal tiled floors, and white appliances. Admittedly, this bathroom is not spacious. It has a single toilet, sink, and urinal.
It makes up for this with its quiet, tranquil atmosphere. A mirror adorns the left wall, allowing for the iconic post-shit mirror selfie. Inside the toilet stall, there is ample toilet paper. I will never again take its abundance for granted since my neighborhood’s Karen singlehandedly emptied the supermarket toiletry shelf during COVID primetime in March 2020 and established an exploitive black market economy.
Amidst bouts of flatulence, I can hear through the window Gabbi Starr’s programmers frantically adding new COVID community guidelines to the list of phrases she can articulate.
I spend the better part of ten minutes on the shitter attempting to de-ply the toilet paper to ascertain its count (not all heroes wear capes). Upon first inspection, I count a single ply. Surely Pomona should be capable of reapportioning a fraction of their $2.25 billion endowment so I can have an ethical wiping experience. Alas, the toilet paper is actually two-ply, and my trust in all things good and holy is restored.
The toilet flush mechanism works aggressively well; in fact, maybe too well. I am taken aback by how strongly pressurized the water is as it flushes. For a fraction of a second, I think I’m going to be pulled down into the sewage pipes, where I would have undoubtedly discovered the secret hideout of the notoriously poopy secret society known as Mufti.
Overall Grade: 9/10
Final thoughts: this is truly one of the premier bathrooms on the 5Cs campus. Do not let next-door Pomona professor of art history George Gorse tell you otherwise. Using this bathroom gives you a palpable sense of accomplishment as if you are being potty trained all over again. I recommend that those who have bad aim refrain from using Room 207, due to its all-white aesthetic. And for those who can’t bear the aromas they produce, we recommend making a quick post-crap getaway by sliding down the railing of the spiral staircase, James Bond style.
Have a recommendation for a future bathroom review? DM us @thegoldenantlers on Instagram with the offending bathroom’s name and location and The Lavatonomist™ will work his magic.