Ever since papa’s little swimmer crashed into mommy’s yolk, I’ve wanted to join Greek life in college. So when I saw sign ups for rush, I went in with massive expectations. Of course, I knew which frat I wanted to join: Aka Phella Bitcha.
On the first day of rush, they told us to come to the Smith Campus Center. I met some of the brothers, and then they said we were going to do something called “ear training.” I was kinda nervous. Were they going to force me to get a piercing or something on day one? Aural sex? Removing each other’s wax and making a candle? I thought that hazing stuff didn’t start until later!
The pledge master played a few notes on the piano, and then he told me to sing them back. I started sweating, worrying what would happen if I sang the notes wrong. My fear got the best of me. I messed up, and the pledge master said, “You’re flat,” and then he spat on me and slapped me across the face. “Now sing, bitch boy.”
I sang the first line of “Rockstar” by Post Malone, and then two brothers started punching me in the gut. “Don’t stop. Keep going. Use your diaphragm, you fucking pussy. You wanna get nodes, you tone deaf [redacted]?” I had absolutely no idea what that meant! Once I finished my song, they told me to leave.
That night, two brothers came to my dorm, blindfolded me, and brought me to the cube. The pledge master said, “Pledges, remove your blindfolds.” I looked in front of me and saw a table full of shots. “You have one minute to finish. Now DRINK!”
The other pledges and I started downing shot after shot. It was the most vile substance I had ever put in my mouth. With each drink, I felt the lining of my sinuses being burned raw. “What the fuck is this?” asked one pledge.
“It’s ginger, ginseng, turmeric, and apple cider vinegar. Now shut the fuck and keep drinking!” said the pledge master. One minute and 46.9 ginger ginseng turmeric apple cider vinegar shots later, I was finally able to breathe.
With my newly-clear sinuses and mind, I began to wonder… why is this frat so weird? What was with all the singing? Why was the hazing so vocal-chord oriented? Wait a minute. Did I join an acapella group???? HELP!!!!!