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Impressive First-Year Pomona Class Includes Jesus Christ himself


After her thoroughly impressive and frankly, heart-warming, in no way problematic, or drowning-in-booze, god-why-are-we-here first speech of the year, Pomona president Gabby Starr announced the striking line up of this year’s first-year class. As the nervous first-year peers sat in the crowd vibrating like cold chihuahuas, they looked around spellbound by our new additions to the Claremont community. The Pomona first-year class is sprinkled with 18-year-old Nobel peace prize winners, inventors of supercomputers, academy award-winning indie actors, and New York Times best-selling novelists. 

Still, one student shined above the rest. Hold your pearls folks, because Claremont has a new Big Man on campus.

Enter, Jesus Christ. Known for his ravishing long ash brown hair, piercing blue eyes, a strangely intense dedication to sandals and other open-toed footwear, Jesus can be seen seemingly gliding around the 5Cs or perched at his favorite nap spot above the water by the cube. 

The Golden Antlers managed to secure an exclusive interview with Jesus after his first week. 

Golden Antlers: “So, Jesus, how are you liking your first few days at Pomona?”

Jesus: “Old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17.”

Golden Antlers: Uhh okay. I mean, I guess I get that too. Um, so, what are your thoughts on the dining hall food? Frary or Frank?

Jesus: “The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control Galatians 5:22-23.”

GA: Ok cool. So… maybe you’re into those vegan options? That’s cool. What about the social life? How are you bearing?

Jesus: “He said to Jacob, ‘Let me gulp down some of that red stuff; I’m starving.’ Genesis 25:30.”

GA: HA! If anyone gets that–it’s the GA. On a different point, some have raised the fact that you’re dad’s pretty powerful. Did he have any influence on your decision to go Sagehen?

Jesus: “He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Isaiah 40:29.” 

For unstated purposes, the GA had to end the interview after kind of abruptly after that.  So while Jesus may seem read-up.. But then again.. We all know it’s daddy’s connections…

Stay tuned for future updates of Jesus’ fast times here amidst the 5Cs! It’ll be a great year folks!


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