In Attempt to Teach the Admissions Office a Lesson, Registrar Says “Fuck It”

In retaliation for the Admissions Office not knowing how to create a class that isn’t 100 students above the average enrollment, the Registrar said “Fuck it” in protest to making their lives a living hell. When asked for a statement, the Registrar threw crumpled Major Declaration forms at the Golden Antlers reporters while yelling at them to get the fuck out. Unfortunately, students have found themselves stuck in the middle of this feud as the Registrar has decided to switch every student’s schedule until Admissions apologizes for their behavior and rescinds offers to incoming student.

The Golden Antlers reached out to students Allison (SCR ‘20) and Brittany (SCR ‘20), as they frustratingly drank their Matchachacha’s in front of the Motley. “We have been trying to get the Registrar to switch our schedules back for weeks now. We just want peace between the offices so that we can actually take the classes we worked through PERM-hell to get. We’ve tried hunger striking, asking politely, and we even had our parents call the president. But there’s ultimately nothing that can be done until Admissions apologizes,” says Allison.

Coincidentally Allison, a Chemistry major and future scientist, and Brittany, an English major with a concentration in the types of bathrooms mentioned in Jane Austen, switched schedules. Brittany found herself enrolled in seven different lab sections, while Allison discovered that she was enrolled in an overwhelming number of courses that focused on dead white male writers with problematic views of women.

“I am so worried about next year now, I was originally planning on writing my Thesis on The Use of the Word “The” in Swedish Literature from March of 1932, but now I just don’t know what I’m going to do,” Brittany whimpered anxiously.

To relieve their overwhelming anxiety, they both went to the Danver house, a place of worship for Carol Danvers, to have their fortunes told. In a moment of startling clarity and a small price of $550, the fortune teller was able to see exactly how the Registrar’s fuck up would impact the rest of their lives.

The fortune teller told Allison that she would come to the conclusion that she was just “selling her soul to the man” by pursuing a STEM degree and that she would now see the light by majoring in English with a concentration in Brazilian Literature published in November of 1876 at 8PM. Despite only figuring out what exactly a topic sentence was during her senior year, she would eventually receive her PhD from Harvard.

Brittany’s future was enlightening in a different way. The fortune teller told Brittany that after starting a fire at Keck during a chemistry lab section, Brittany would find her life calling as a world-renowned arsonist. Brittany would reach international acclaim after being featured on FBI’s Most Wanted and would sell millions of copies of her New York Times bestseller, The Fire Becomes Us, which would be credited with sparking the interest of many young people in STEM. She would be on the run from authorities for the rest of her life.

When asked for their opinions on their new futures, Allison and Brittany responded “Seems chill.”