In Lieu of Iconic Green Cap and Gown, Scripps College to Send Each Senior a Hanes Men’s Comfort Fit Undershirt 3-Pack

Fear not, Scripps Class of 2021! Although seniors will not be receiving the traditional sage green cap and gown, Scripps administration has come up with a much more exciting and innovative alternative: a Hanes Men’s Comfort Fit Classic White Undershirt 3-Pack. 

Scripps College has remained incredibly transparent throughout the whole process, announcing their inability to obtain the green caps and gowns in an email written in invisible ink. Instead of gauging the opinions of seniors, Scripps administration instead consulted the “Price: Low to High” sorting feature on Amazon. Administration graciously offered seniors tracking codes for their packages and if they feel so inclined, they may also return their undershirts for an $8.99 refund at Amazon.com. 

In a poll administered to members of the Class of 2021, 98 percent of students expressed a desire to keep their shirts and wear all three of them at once while they walk across the steps at Denison Library. The other two percent of students indicated they would like to receive their reimbursements to purchase either resin, fake septum rings, or those rubber animal heads that everyone had in 2015.

According to current Scripps College President Lara Tiedens, the decision to bless all graduating seniors with a Hanes Men’s Comfort Fit Undershirt 3-Pack instead of the sage caps and gowns, the iconic 100 Days party, traditional senior trips to Las Vegas and Malibu, Naked Brunch, Commencement, Graduation Afterparty, and other senior dinners, teas, and events was the only way she could “properly thank the Scripps community” prior to retiring in the middle of the semester during a global health and economic crisis. 

“I think this decision will make the senior class really respect me and remember my presidency lovingly,” Tiedens told us. “It reminds me of all the good times we’ve had together back in high school… we were crazy back then!” We then reminded Lara that this interview was about the Scripps Class of 2021 and not her high school class. We have inferred that she was probably class president. 

Going forward, The Golden Antlers predicts a massive uptick in donations to Scripps College from the Class of 2021.