Welcome to Claremont, Class of 2020! Due to the recent CMC housing crisis (which has already forced some new students to move to off-campus apartments north of Mudd) (Did you know there was land north of Mudd?), DOS has decided to house a sizable number of freshmen in a mysterious location off the coast of Uruguay, known only as “Freshman Island.”
Little is known about Freshman Island, but rumors suggest that the island is inhabited by 4-foot long spiders, wild banshees, and the ghost of Martin Van Buren. When asked how they felt about their new living situation, the freshmen stated that they were “just glad we don’t have to live at Pitzer.”
While acknowledging that the new housing is a bit removed from CMC’s main campus, administrators have assured the freshmen that their new dorms are “just a quick 8 day voyage” from most CMC classrooms.
Although this plan may seem to be a bit drastic, there are no realistic alternatives. The school wisely decided against converting some doubles into triples (as was done two years ago) because “that’s stupid,” and, “led to too many accidental threesomes.”
However, there is one ray of hope for discouraged CMCers, as the Claremont Independent has come up with a plan that they believe will put an end to CMC’s housing crisis. In a press conference this morning, the publication boldly suggested that we place a temporary ban on freshmen “until they provide their long-form housing certificates.”