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“Let’s Make a Baby” and Other Tips and Tricks to Ace an Important Job Interview

 

As an expert interviewee, it is my moral obligation to share the vast knowledge I have accrued over the years with the Claremont Colleges community. I have done interviews at a lot of different places. As you prepare for the influx of internship and job interviews accompanying this time of year, here are a few things that have helped me make a memorable impression. 

  • Opening the interview by saying, “Woah, you’re like, old enough to be my mom.”
  • Answering a question by whispering “Let’s make a baby.”
  • Mocking your interviewer for not having seen Woody Allen’s hit movie, Bananas.
  • Asking for help changing your tampon.
  • Offering to either give or receive a massage at any point during the interview.
  • Shaking your head and saying, “If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit.”
  • Ending a personal story with “Yeah, but I didn’t smash.”
  • Asking your interviewer to touch your bulging neck muscles so that they know where you stand on “the issues.”
  • Listening to your interviewer talk about their dying grandmother’s final moments, and responding with “Damn, you should have saved her.”
  • Asking for some moisturizer because, “I’m just always so dry.”
  • Ending your interview by standing up, shaking their hand, and proudly declaring that, “The SouthSouthern California will rise again.” They’ll know you’re referring to Southern California.

While I haven’t heard back from any of the interviewers yet, this is because many companies are very busy. Truthfully, they may even be debating whether to give me an even more important job and they need time to muster up the courage to tell me. Trust me, I have applied to hundreds of jobs. All I know is that my parents are very proud of their little teacup and appreciate the opportunity to provide for me again. Use these tips and you can live like me.

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