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Introducing the Revolutionary New “I Didn’t Just Have Sex” Bag

 

Ever wake up on a Friday, Saturday, or Sunday morning (or really any morning for that matter, we won’t constrain you) and realize, “damn, this isn’t my room.” Then look over to your right or left and realize, “damn, that isn’t my roommate.” Or even more unsettling, “damn who’s that?” Well hopefully you usually know who it is (if not, it’s all good. How exciting!), but either way you are in for a Walk of Pride! Formerly known as the Walk of Shame, we have decided it is time for a change, there is no reason to be ashamed of getting it on (OR “verb-ing the adjective noun”, i.e. slapping the slippery otter, etc). However, no matter what it’s called, some of us may still experience a little embarrassment while taking this morning-after stroll. But, tis no more! We, here at the Golden Antlers, have the perfect remedy for disguising your walk. Introducing the brand new “I Didn’t Just Have Sex” Bag (patent pending). This bag holds all you need to fool everyone into thinking you kept your underwear on all night.

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Including:

  • A Textbook and mini notebook: you studious little thing, you. Just spent all Friday night studying for that Spanish 22 five-minute quiz on Monday? God, you’re going places.
  • Running shoes and a Sports Bra: Chodosh’s Marathon Challenge here you come! (p.s. we forgot to include socks so you might wanna pack some of your own.)
  • Camera: OMG THE SUNRISE THIS MORNING WAS UNREAL. That LA pollution truly does bring out the best in nature. Bonus: go back and take an #AfterSexSelfie with ur still-asleep lover. It’ll be great, kinda. Both Edward Cullen-ish AND trendy!
  • Hat: Sexhair’s got you looking like you spent all night fingering electrical outlets, which is actually sort of close to the truth. At least you can cover it up with your choice of bro-cap, bro-beanie, or hey-look-I’m-a-douche-fedora.
  • Bible: 11 o’clock worship services are for the weak, 8am’s are where it’s at. (More convincing if you are a Claremont School of Theology student but, whatever) The perfect prop to complete your night of moaning “Oh god! Oh god!”
  • Binoculars: Bird watching is best in the early morning. (Side-note: is there a bird watchers club here because I’d join the shit out of that.)
  • Khakis, and White New Balance Tennis Shoes: TA-DA you are now an East Coast parent with a whacked up internal clock.
  • Suitcase: Early morning flights, FTW, amirite? Now where’s that Uber…
    9. Surfboard: Because everyone heads to the beach to surf in jeans and a nice top. (lol, “Ridin’ on that wood” -Beyoncé)
  • Razor-Scooter: honestly probably the most effective item here for convincing people you didn’t just have sex. #CruisingInStyle
  • Stolen CampSex Golf Cart: so you can just skip the walk altogether. And yes we meant to put CampSex. *winky face* (BTW did you know our mailbox keys work on the golf carts?!?!?)
  • BONUS: We also included some contraceptives since our Golden Antlers Daycare is still in the works. (JK we just wanted to piss off the Claremont Independent)

Hide this bag somewhere in the middle of the 7C’s and you’ll never have to be embarrassed on your Walk of Pride again!
PRICE: Priceless (or all your Flex and a sexual favor or two)

-Cally Cochran PO ’18 w/ contributions from Frank Lyles PO ’17

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