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Investigative Report: What I Can Burn in a Candle during Zoom Class

 

After going undercover for nearly two virtual semesters, journalists at the Golden Antlers have uncovered a bombshell story about the melting point and flammability of certain objects on your desk, and it’s going to blow your mind. This story will knock 1.5-2 of your socks clean off. Below is an executive summary of their findings. A full report will not be available to the public because we didn’t feel like writing one.

Setting

For the safety of our journalists, we will not disclose the exact classes in which each journalist carried out their investigation; however, we have been granted permission to explain their general setting. To minimize the impact of confounding variables, each journalist sat 17 inches away from their screens, had at least 22 tabs open (none of which relate to class), had a pen and notebook on the right side of their keyboards (left-handed journalists just had to suck it up), and a candle 3 inches above the top part of their notebooks. Each journalist also went through extensive peripheral vision training so that they could maintain seductive virtual eye contact with their professors while carrying out the investigation off screen. Finally, all smoke detectors were tampered with in accordance with federal aviation laws.

Findings

Below is a list of the objects journalists burned in their candles and the results:

  • Paper clip — will turn black, doesn’t melt
  • Rock — just gets really hot
  • Finger — painful, as expected 😉
  • That one dead fly from the windowsill — continued to stay dead
  • Wite Out correction fluid — extremely flammable, but great way to meet sexy firefighters
  • Flash cards — won’t change the grade on that midterm you failed
  • Joint — *chef’s kiss*
  • Another smaller candle — candle inception, accidentally opened a ravenous black hole
  • A photo of your toxic ex — a disappointing substitute for them burning in Hell

Thank you to the brave journalists who sacrificed their personal belongings, safety, and many brain cells from aggressively huffing each burning object. We hope this investigation has shed light on the flammability of certain objects so that you know, in the future, how to spice up your Zoom experience.

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