CLAREMONT, CA — Sources close to you report that your night out at Green Beach took an unexpected turn when a guy wearing a “Pussy Power” t-shirt stumbled up to you, loudly interrupting your conversation with your date to ask, “Is this guy bothering you?”
According to your suitemate, Sandra Handlehands PO ‘22, the interruption came as quite a surprise. “I was dancing next to them all night, and they seemed to be having a great time, talking, laughing, and dancing. That is, until this guy showed up.”
Eyewitness accounts say the guy, who only identified himself as “Mark,” was quick to step between you and your date, getting about six inches too close and speaking about two notches too loud. Repeating his initial question to make sure you understood it, he continued, “I’m an ally, so I know sometimes it’s hard for you to admit, especially if he’s still around. If you feel unsafe, blink twice and I’ll take care of him for you.” Sources reported at this time he proceeded to stare hungrily into your eyes for several seconds as you resisted the urge to blink.
After ascertaining there was no immediate threat, Mark decided to hang around, “just in case you change your mind,” despite your protestation. “Believe me, I know, those guys are the worst. It’s like, read the room already,” he yelled in your face, sloshing his Coors Light on your new dress. “And don’t even get me started on mansplaining. You know what that is, right? When a guy talks down to a girl?”
“Personally, I’m a feminist. I love women and girls, and I think it’s our job as guys to empower them. That’s why I always let my dates pay for their own drinks, and mine. I can’t seem to find any girls who’re into nice guys like me, though.”
Eyewitnesses say it was at this time that you pretended to get a phone call and fled the area, leaving Mark alone with your date. Just before putting on his “ironic” Pitvipers and wading off into the crowd, Mark reportedly asked your date, “so, uhhh, what’s your friend’s deal?”