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Kitten Gets Absurdly Drunk at Bar Night

 

Local Claremont McKenna kitten, Mittens, is currently facing expulsion for breaking and entering a North Quad shower and consuming excessive amounts of alcohol. According to the Wohlford RA Haley Patski who first wrote Mittens up for public intoxication, the kitten in question was a mere ten months old which, even in cat years, is “waaaaaay below the legal drinking age.”

"I can't even feel my paws right now"
“I can’t even feel my paws right now”

Reports indicate that Mittens, who grew tired of sleeping in a nest of discarded Pirate Party bro-tanks in his owner’s room, decided to rage outside his cage late Friday night and escaped into the suite’s bathroom.  It was in the aforementioned bathroom at approximately 9:41 PM that Mittens broke into the vat of “Pitzer Brew” that room residents were storing in their shower for “Bar Night” that evening. Cicerone-certified critics have described the “Pitzer Brew” as “an aggressive, full-bodied beer with an earthy aroma.”

By 10:12 PM Mittens had consumed approximately 3 quarts of the beer in question and, according to witnesses, repeatedly referred to himself as “White-Kitten-Wasted!” Bystanders report that by 10:30 PM Mittens was slurring his meows and ranting incoherently about parties at CMC being much better when he was two months old.  He also indicated that he, like many CMCers, felt restrained by the number of fences surrounding him as they prohibit him from both party-rocking and eating the little pieces of bacon his owner sometimes drops behind the bed.

Mittens woke up Saturday morning with many regrets, a penis drawn on his forehead, and a massive kitty hangover.  The Dean of Students office requested that Mittens retake the required AlcoholWise course and relocated him to Benson Hall’s third floor lounge.  Mittens was reportedly enthusiastic about his new home where he currently enjoys fraying yarn on the crusty couches, wall art that puts the fear of God into him, and, we assume, plate-sized rats carrying the bubonic plague.

The infamous “Pitzer Brew” was, according to preliminary reports, still served to students at Bar Night.  Because when you’re brewing beer in the bathroom of eight boys’ college dorm room, a little kitten saliva is the least of your health code violation worries.

– Clancy Tripp CMC ’15

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