PALM BEACH, FL — In an unexpected press conference, Henry Kravis and George Roberts recently stated that they, “don’t see what’s so bad about Thanksgiving.” The duo, clad in matching turkey-print pajamas in the queen-sized bed they share at their Florida vacation home, were apparently taken with the “Thanksgiving Spirit,” and chose to “set the record straight.”
In recent months, Kravis and Roberts have come under heavy fire for the 65% stake their private equity firm, KKR, holds in Coastal Gaslink, which is currently attempting to illegally build a pipeline through protected Wet’suwet’en territory. At the same time, many Indigenous activists have been calling to end the celebration of Thanksgiving due to its roots in historical genocide. Kravis and Roberts, however, had a different take.
“There’s been a whole lot of hubbub around this great American institution recently, and I just don’t understand what Thanksgiving ever did to anyone,” argued Kravis. “It’s a happy holiday all about people bringing me food, what’s better than that? I was there for the first one, shit was a cropburner. Or wait, barnburner? I don’t know, it was a banging party where we burned some crops as a joke, so whatever the word is for that.”
Feeling inferior because his name is always listed second, Roberts jumped in, saying, “honestly, guys, what’s the big deal? It’s not like they were doing anything then that we aren’t still doing now.” Roberts’ eyes glazed over as he attempted a cranberry sauce body shot off of one of his staff members, visibly uncomfortable in her ‘Pocahontas’ costume. “I’m often in the Thanksgiving Spirit. Mainly at work, when I’m busy forcibly evicting people from their own land at gunpoint.”
After a brief but spirited coughing fit, Roberts added, “and listen, without Thanksgiving, no turkeys would even be pardoned. Think about that, why don’t you? It’s like one of those vegan holidays.”
“Also,” Kravis slobbered through a mouthful of gravy that dripped onto his shirt and leaked into a little congealed pool on the racecar-themed sheets, “People are mad at us for our treatment of Indians, but we outsource so many IT jobs there! All I’m saying is, we give back. Do you think they could’ve afforded a brand new pipeline on their own? They have minimal sovereign income because someone exploited all their land and resources. Who’s woke now, you bastards?”
“I wish my last name started with a K,” lamented Roberts, unprompted.