LEAKED: CMC To Go Co-Ed in Fall of 2018

 

Claremont McKenna College has been an only boys school since 1946, but 2018 marks a year of progress for the college. After heated debate, the Board of Trustees came to a landmark 30-29 decision— female students will finally be eligible to apply in the upcoming 2018-2019 school year.

Board of Trustees member Jeff Gallagher ‘68 told the Golden Antlers “Look, it’s 2017, we have to start thinking about the future, which is going to include female whether we like it or not. We were really hesitant at first since Claremont Men’s College has been a bastion of maleness for almost 78 years, but we were getting a lot of shit from Scripps and Pitzer, so we decided to make a change.” Max Robertson ‘63 chimed in, saying, “Exactly, We also have a responsibility as Trustees to think about the financial future of the college. We know the pay gap will inhibit women from donating at the same volume as their male counterparts, but every dollar extra dollar in our endowment contributes to vital student resources, like the communal cocaine stash, more internships at Deloitte, and the massive budget allotted to the Student Investment losses.”

“This is a big step for us,” says Glenn Dewey, an Admissions Counselor at CMC. “We’re really excited now that we’re going to allow females to attend this prestigious and rigorous college. We here at CMC understand that there’s a of disparity between respect toward men in the workforce and respect for women in the workforce. By allowing females to get the same business and entrepreneur education that the males at CMC get, we hope it will boost our Forbes’ ranking back up.”

CMC Sophomore Christian Michaels is excited about the prospect of having female classmates at CMC. “Ya, like it’s gonna be real nice to have some chicks here, CMC is totally a sausage fest, and that’s gotta change. Like ya, Scrippsies are total babes, but like there are only so many that show up to TNR to play beer pong, and I’m not going to walk all the way to the Motley just to get laid.”

After a school-wide email went out last Friday, from president Hiram Chodosh, fist bumps and collective cheers could be heard all around campuses, and the cracking of Natty lights rang throughout North Quad. Students rushed out of their dorms embracing each other in open arms all around Green Beach. An endless amount of hugs were seen given, as every man was always in the arms of another man. No homo, of course. This ultimately lead to one of the biggest bangers that ASCMC has hosted this year. Some say that it was even better than TNC.

As CMC begins preparing for this big transition, a small but determined group of Bros have decided to take a brave stand against the administration in the name of tradition. These dudes feel they’re in the minority, as they are upset that females will now be attending America’s Number One Frattiest School without Greek Life. These 4 guys have caused an outrage as others think their campaign “Bros before hoes,” is just “totally not chill.”

The morning after Chodosh sent his email, one student responded. “You realize that girls actually attend CMC, it’s not just frat bros. Like there are actually females enrolled at this school already. I’ve been here since 2015,” wrote alleged CMC Junior Tessa Rogers.

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