LEAKED: New 5C Clubs

Join them all!

 

The 13th of September marks the date of the Annual Turf dinner, where all clubs are forced to go recruit new members, despite being satisfied with the number of participants they already have. The Golden Antlers has gotten a sneak preview of what new clubs are going to be happening this year at the 5C’s.

A select group of Pomona first-years have charted the first ever Groupsex Club. Formerly known as fight club, these students hope that their informal late night Yik Yak get togethers will finally be recognized by the administration. “Hopefully ASPC can provide funding for snacks and club jackets,” said Harry Cletus, co-founder and treasurer, “we thought about having club fees but we didn’t want groupsex club to be reserved to those of higher socio-economic backgrounds, like the newly started Boat Shoes Club or Investing Daddy’s Money Club I heard about last week!” Groupsex’s roster was filled to the brim with aspiring groupsexers the last time the Golden Antlers checked. For more info on the history of the club, read the history here! Make sure to join the groupsext to find out where and when they will meet!

Pomona’s newest club Students Against Small Proportions, or SASP for short, was made to fight against the severe problem of lack of food for teens and young adults all across the Scripps campus. By working with organizations such as “Feed the Children” and “Unicef,” students are engaging to combat the preselected proportions at Malott Commons in order to ensure dining hall goers will never ever go to bed hungry. “I ate a predetermined size slice of Salmon at Malott yesterday evening only to have my stomach rumble through the night,” reported Pitzer first year Eaton Berry when told about the club, “I’m glad this club exists.” SASP will meet every Wednesday from 12:15 to 1:05 in Frank.

The CMC faculty is thrilled to announce Network Club. This is the perfect opportunity for CMC students, and only CMC students, wearing pastel colored shorts and navy blue blazers to socialize and engage with alumni wearing pastel colored shorts and navy blue blazers. This club will help the few, lonesome individuals that do not know what their plan is for after college, as they are forced to make small talk with people that so proudly call Claremont McKenna their alma mater. The faculty hopes that this club will help seniors get a sliver of an idea of what they will be doing after graduation, but holds no expectations. “Most of post-college life is spent identifying which shade of salmon will help you really work a room,” said alum and LinkedIn Premium Member™ Linus Ken, “I never had a club like this to help me learn growing up, so I’m happy I can pass my collected wisdom on.” Network club will meet on the second Saturday of every month up until most students give up on finding a job and decide to live in their parents’ basement. Location is going to be in Kravis.

The freshman boys at Pitzer have decided to start a club that will bring a rush of nicotine into the heads of students. Bring your mods and pens, because the Vape Nation branch at Claremont has officially been started! Suhhh, Vape Gods from across the 5C’s have been practicing their Os and Tornados to perfection, so that they can make sure that they will be featured on the official 5C Vape Instagram page. This club will meet daily at 4:20 pm or whenever they feel like it on the Mounds.

It looks as if Scripp’s Challah for Hunger will have some competition this year as a group of CMC seniors have decided to start Holla for Thirst! This club will focus on throwing crazy ragers at the Green Beach or North Quad every Friday night, in hopes of raising more funding and awareness for first years’ thirst for alcoholic beverages. Meetings will be held in Appleby lounge on Friday nights at 8, which is an hour or so before the “lit” begins, so that they can go to J & J Liquor store and stock up.

Harvey Mudd juniors are tired of not being offered the sports they feel best represent their school’s persona, that is why they have started a Wii Sports League. By mixing their favorite pastime of video games and never having to see the light of day, Mudders have come up with the perfect club. The WSL will meet every weekday at 6 AM (Wii Time) so that they can start their day by logging their virtual calories burned in addition to feeling awake for the rest of their engineer filled days. The club is lead by the Wii Fit Yoga lady. The club meetings are held indoors between Omega and Baby Bowser’s Castle.
In other news, a small group of Pitzer students have started a hashtag campaign #BringBackYachtClub in protest of their rejected application to join Turf Dinner which sadly informed them “Yacht Club never was.”

Reporting by Alex Valdesuso ’20 and Jacksón Smith ’18

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