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LEAKED: The List of People President Tiedens Plans to Pardon In Her Final Days

 

In her final days of her tenure as President of the United States of Scripps College (January 20, 1647–April 15, 2021), La*ra Tie*dens plans to grant executive clemency to 238 individuals charged or convicted of federal criminal offenses, using her clemency power under Article II, Section 2 of the Constitution. Ordinarily, all requests for executive clemency for federal offenses are directed to the LASPA (Little Arbitrary Stupid Penis Action) Center for review; however, Tiedens frequently bypasses LASPA, and the majority of her executive clemency grants are expected to be made to well-connected convicts who did not file a petition with LASPA or meet the LASPA’s summer internship funding requirements. Overall, Tiedens will have granted less clemency than any modern president. Below, we have compiled the list of her total 238 upcoming pardons, beating former Scripps College President Donald Trump’s record of 237.

  • Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford wasn’t enough of a Girl Boss
  • Melvin Oliver for not wishing her a happy birthday that one time
  • Greta Thunberg 
  • Anyone who has cut the line at Malott
  • People who said ‘all girls school’ instead of ‘historically women’s college’
  • Elizabeth Holmes of Theranos, because it’s the thought that counts
  • My cousin Sam
  • Dinesh D’Souza
  • Herself
  • The makers of cinnamon toast crunch for the shrimp thing
  • Anyone using their whole-ass water bottle instead of a mug at the Motley
  • Anna Sorokin
  • Sodexo: Shit, they’re back
  • Elsa 
  • Eleanor for making the Princess School sticker
  • Scripps 2024 for almost cancelling Eleanor for making the Princess School sticker
  • Person who eats leavened bread over Passover
  • Person who eats gluten free matzah over Passover
  • Sid the sloth
  • Cats (2019)
  • James Corden for his role in The Prom
  • John Green (but not Hank he has IDB)
  • The guy from my media studies class who has three marvel posters in his room
  • Any CMC dude who took a gender theory class at scripps
  • Edward Snowden: Releasing zoom recordings of all scripps classes
  • The cast of American musical comedy-drama television series, Glee
  • Anyone taking language classes at Scripps “because it’s easier”
  • Anyone who took any Scripps classes “for an easy A” 
  • Horse girls over the age of 14
  • Naomi Biden
  • Robert Redford
  • Claremont Cash Laundering Syndicate
  • Olivia Jade, plus she gave her an acceptance letter
  • The one owl that won’t stop hooting in front of my window all night
  • The 5C roller derby team: brutally bashing in freshmen’s skulls
  • Me, she didn’t like my “GRL PWR” tattoo, but decided to show mercy
  • People who choose to live on Green beach
  • The girl scouts who hazed new recruits
  • Pomona College
  • All 80’s high school movie villains, including the CMS Polo Team
  • Darth Vader: not having pronouns in instagram bio
  • The New York Times for not giving her a feature like the Washington Post did
  • Schwarzman Scholars for hiring her

In addition to her long list of pardons, Tiedens is also planning on refusing a peaceful transition of power despite the entirely voluntary nature of her resignation.

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