Early this morning, Scripps President Lori “Effie” Bettison-Varga’s 2014 Hall Draw announcement was leaked to the Golden Antlers. The bloodthirsty nature of the Scripps room selection process is legendary at the consortium, but those outside of the Scripps community (i.e. sexists) have never witnessed the true nature of the hall draw. The Golden Antlers is pleased to announce that we are able to reprint this revealing letter in full.
“Welcome, welcome, Scripps tributes!
Hall Draw commences on April 17th. This is how we remember our past. This is how we safeguard our future.
Beforehand, you will be assigned ranked numbers via email in a process known as the Reaping. These numbers reflect your aptitude for combat and survival, skills you learned during Core training. They also affect your ability to obtain Trustee sponsors. Baseline skill expectations include knife throwing, the ability to physically enact Foucault’s “Discipline and Punish,” wilderness survival, mastery of the Socratic method, and archery.
The rules for the Draw are simple.
1. First and foremost, survive. The last tribute standing wins a single room in Gabrielle Jungels-Winkler Hall with a walk-in closet and balcony. Losers will die, or worse, have to live at Pomona.
2. Tears will not win you sympathy. If you must cry, do it into a quirky mug from the Motley and drink it. You’ll need the hydration.
3. Tributes are not to be trained before the Reaping, as this confers an unfair advantage. Rumors that tributes from Districts 1 and 2, colloquially called “juniors” and “seniors,” have been trained in hand-to-hand combat at the Careers Planning and Resources Center are completely unfounded.
4. Before entering the Hampton Arena, tributes will have to stand approximately seven hours in a virtually unmoving line and mentally rank themselves against the other tributes. Upon entering the arena, tributes have one minute to gather themselves before beginning the Draw. If any tribute moves during this time, whether be towards the hall selection tables, the weapons and provisions in the Cornucopia, the Motley On-The-Go card, or fellow tributes, they will be eliminated via land mine and their scraps will be fed to the koi in Seal Court.
5. Be honorable. Although tributes are expected to fight to the death during the Draw, they must behave in a manner that is pleasing to the Capitol. Cannibalism and other equally egregious crimes (spelling “womyn” without a “y”, conceding that Shannon Miller made some good points, etc.) will be severely punished. Any and all foul play is forbidden, as is cruel and unusual punishment.*
*Unless a tribute chooses to back out of a Suite Alliance two days before the Draw; then you may murder said tribute and make her blood rain down on the backs of the innocents.
6. Report to the Draw on time in your assigned hovercrafts. Tributes are allowed to wear a small token to remind them of their hometowns or former halls. (Memorable past tokens have included a favorite pair of Lululemon leggings, a pair of shoes worn during a Stride of Pride from North Quad, and a lucky Diva Cup.) These tokens will be inspected to ensure that they do not contain concealed weaponry.
7. Be entertaining. The Capitol is watching. And Mudd students have created a whole new algorithm to place bets on the winner, in which CMC students have already invested over six hundred thousand dollars.
Happy 88th Annual Hall Draw! And may the odds be ever in your favor!”
– Theresa Iker SCR ‘14, Liat Kaplan CMC ‘17, Christie Kweon SCR ‘15