A recent Gallup poll confirmed that when it comes to finding the love of your life and/or an unpaid Social Media internship, Linkedin is the place to go! For all you lovers out there hoping to get a lady into your room and show her (as your Personal Summary indicates) how persistent, committed, and skilled you truly are, this article is a quick, four step guide to connecting with a lady both online and in your love lair. So sit back, grab a glass of scotch and your most recent resume, and prepare to woo your woman with the help of the latest social platform to send you fifty-million goddamn emails about things you don’t even care about.
1. Let her know you’re ambitious
If there’s one thing the ladies love, it’s a man who has his overly-competitive future planned a minimum of five years in advance. Spontaneity is soooo high school. Kissing a stranger in the rain? More like, catching herpes and a cold at the same time two-for-one special! Prove to your future woman that you have confidence in your career path. Well, shit, yeah Bio 44 is hard (memorizing!) and you didn’t totally nail it grade-wise in your Freshman Writing Seminar, but goddammit you just gotta believe in yourself! Ladies love a man who can provide for them, especially a Hahhhrvard man so exaggerate your prowess and, if you must, outright lie.
2. Let her know you’re qualified
Guys, look, if you truly want to slay biddies with your Linkedin profile (what else is it for?) you’re not going to leave a single question blank on your profile. Who cares if you never actually passed the Driver’s License Exam, that hit and run of seven consecutive blind mute children near the orphanage could have happened to anyone! Just slap “official permit-carrying citizen of Kansas” on your credentials and she’ll think to herself, “Wow, there’s nothing like a man who can drive in the company of his parents with the music off before 10 PM to get me hot and bothered!”
3. Let her know you’re accomplished
Sure, you’re a sophomore in college, you don’t have too many awards and honors to your name. But how do you expect to network your way into that precious lady’s pants without a few trophies in your trophy cases? If you don’t have anything to brag about I recommend the following: 1. Lie like a rug, and 2. Scrape the bottom of the barrel. Hopefully the cutie you’ve got your eye on has never heard of “Google,” “plagiarism,” or “basic elementary math” and you’re good to go. As for the second option, make sure to really lower your standards when emphasizing your accomplishments. Has anyone ever told you that you have “The Cutest Ankles Ever”?? Time to update yo’ Linkedin! Have you ever received a “World’s Best Son!” mug? Add that shit to your profile ASAP.
4. Let her know you look fiiiiiine.
When all else fails, go balls to the wall and choose your sexiest, most alluring photograph to show her “hey, I’m a man you should trust, a man with really big, prominent, aspirations, a man who isn’t afraid to bare it all, a man who believes in himself and has profound hope for the future, despite all evidence to the contrary.” For this purpose we recommend either your high school senior photo where you’re leaning against a wooden fence staring pensively into the far-off sunset or a good-old-fashioned picture of your junk.
– Clancy Tripp CMC ’15