BREAKING – CMS Boy’s Track and Field team declared war on Student Journalism after The Student Life posted literal facts about them. The TSL’s scathing report on the infamous “Rains Scandal” a couple months ago allegedly revealed the details of the event: roaming bands of scrawny, naked men manspreading across campus and looting decorative gym photos by any means necessary. Thus, in retribution, the runners decided to fight back and really show the TSL who’s boss in the only way privilege had taught them how: erasure.
“You know, it’s bullshit man. I’m so heated right now, like straight up pissed. They just can’t post that shit everywhere, like my future employers are gonna see that. It was just a prank, kind of like when we made that freshman snort Cheez-Its out of a pair of heelies. There was no need to make anything out of it,” says a runner named Kevin Johnson from Darien, Connecticut who would like to remain anonymous to protect his dignity.
Johnson is not alone in feeling this way, as recently some of the other runners on the team have being throwing away print copies of the TSL that reported on the initial incident in. the. trash.
“Look, the reality of it is, we’re a sports team and sports teams play pranks to maintain camaraderie. You can’t have camaraderie if you don’t bury your fellow runners in the Pitzer volleyball courts with their dicks sticking out. Look— I’m all for journalism and telling people the truth, but, like, the way the TSL went about all this was totally immature. They should have asked us first before throwing our reputation in the trash. I’m not gonna let some nerds write about something I actually did, I mean, I’m trying to get an internship.”
Currently the runner’s are trying to figure out their next step. Earlier this morning, several runners were seen throwing their laptops in the trash after reading the Golden Antler’s coverage of their achievements— but it seems that no matter what they do, the CMS boy’s track and field team will never be able to run away from these problems. The team may be speedy out on the track, but they truly have proved once again that nobody can outrun the truth.