In a shocking turn of events, the least pleasant thing about Collins happens to you OUTSIDE the dining hall. Famed dining hall employee Dora has been appointed field marshal of Collins and her decisive first move has been to institute severe beatings to enforce the to-go cup policy. At press time, reports indicate that seven CMC students were undergoing water boarding for taking more than two mints. Dora explained that upwards of fifty-three students actually merited the punishment but “the goddamn water dispenser is so slow we had to let some go.” Pitzer students are currently being detained for questioning, CMC students need not swipe their ID cards.
In light of the recent controversy, Collins Dining Hall has undergone significant changes. World Wok has been renamed “World Forced March” or, alternately, “Brave New World Wok.” The West and Eastern wings have been deemed too extremist, students may only eat in the main seating area in straight rows. Thus far a partition has been erected between the Grill and the Pasta Bar. Mike Maltese announced publicly this morning his discovery that tomorrow’s breakfast is reportedly “Pigs in a Smallpox Blanket.” The 5C Menu creator further announced, “also, the lasagna appears to be Yasser Arafats exhumed remains.” Tomorrow’s dinner is expected to be Pol-Pot-Luck.
Golden Antlers staffers who have made it past Dora’s checkpoints advise that as of Day 2 the Palestinians have made it into the food service area. Brave Claremont Jews are currently building a human wall in front of the bagel tray. Initial reports indicate that the cream cheese may be compromised. Following its military occupation by ROTC cadets, the Dessert Bar has been renamed Gaza Strip, it contains equally inedible food. Thankfully, Israel and Palestine have found mutual ground on the issue of shitty Collins food, peace talks are in progress.
In a recent email CMC President Pamela Gann stated that she backs a two-state solution in the Claremont Men’s College/Claremont McKenna College conflict. Harvey Mudd insurgents continue water balloon slingshot attacks on Scripps; the Glass ceiling has been deemed an ineffective defense. Hiram Chodosh has been appointed Sun King. Kravis-Versailles is set to begin construction this Spring.
The Bon Appetit subsidiary has all the hallmarks of an authoritarian police state. CMC Literature Professor and acclaimed Orwellian scholar Ryan Carhart informs students, “Collin’s ‘DINING’ is a hall a perfect example of double-speak. The other 4C’s began accepting refugees. Scripps is currently accepts everyone (including men) and still rejects Shannon Miller, saying, “Who’s hiding now, bitch?” Tropical Lei is also sheltering students and has changed its sign to read “Gaza Strippers Welcome!” So far students are lining up outside Collins to protest for peace or, as they say, “Collin’ for Change.”
– Dante Toppo CMC ’15, Ben Turner CMC ’16, Lucas Van Houten CMC ’14, Ender Wiggin CMC ’15, Clancy Tripp CMC ’15, Haley Patoski CMC ’14