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Mein Collins Introduces Cavity Searches


In a shocking turn of events, the least pleasant thing about Collins happens to you OUTSIDE the dining hall.  Famed dining hall employee Dora has been appointed field marshal of Collins and her decisive first move has been to institute severe beatings to enforce the to-go cup policy.  At press time, reports indicate that seven CMC students were undergoing water boarding for taking more than two mints.  Dora explained that upwards of fifty-three students actually merited the punishment but “the goddamn water dispenser is so slow we had to let some go.”  Pitzer students are currently being detained for questioning, CMC students need not swipe their ID cards.

Nauls Brother
we were gonna make a food poisoning joke, but that shit hits waaaay too close to home

In light of the recent controversy, Collins Dining Hall has undergone significant changes.  World Wok has been renamed “World Forced March” or, alternately, “Brave New World Wok.” The West and Eastern wings have been deemed too extremist, students may only eat in the main seating area in straight rows. Thus far a partition has been erected between the Grill and the Pasta Bar. Mike Maltese announced publicly this morning his discovery that tomorrow’s breakfast is reportedly “Pigs in a Smallpox Blanket.”  The 5C Menu creator further announced, “also, the lasagna appears to be Yasser Arafats exhumed remains.”  Tomorrow’s dinner is expected to be Pol-Pot-Luck.

Golden Antlers staffers who have made it past Dora’s checkpoints advise that as of Day 2 the Palestinians have made it into the food service area.  Brave Claremont Jews are currently building a human wall in front of the bagel tray.  Initial reports indicate that the cream cheese may be compromised. Following its military occupation by ROTC cadets, the Dessert Bar has been renamed Gaza Strip, it contains equally inedible food.  Thankfully, Israel and Palestine have found mutual ground on the issue of shitty Collins food, peace talks are in progress.

In a recent email CMC President Pamela Gann stated that she backs a two-state solution in the Claremont Men’s College/Claremont McKenna College conflict.  Harvey Mudd insurgents continue water balloon slingshot attacks on Scripps; the Glass ceiling has been deemed an ineffective defense. Hiram Chodosh has been appointed Sun King. Kravis-Versailles is set to begin construction this Spring.

The Bon Appetit subsidiary has all the hallmarks of an authoritarian police state. CMC Literature Professor and acclaimed Orwellian scholar Ryan Carhart informs students, “Collin’s ‘DINING’ is a hall a perfect example of double-speak.  The other 4C’s began accepting refugees.  Scripps is currently accepts everyone (including men) and still rejects Shannon Miller, saying, “Who’s hiding now, bitch?”  Tropical Lei is also sheltering students and has changed its sign to read “Gaza Strippers Welcome!”  So far students are lining up outside Collins to protest for peace or, as they say, “Collin’ for Change.”

– Dante Toppo CMC ’15, Ben Turner CMC ’16, Lucas Van Houten CMC ’14, Ender Wiggin CMC ’15, Clancy Tripp CMC ’15, Haley Patoski CMC ’14


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  1. This pretty much undermines a serious issue, and morphs it into an apparently joke-worthy event. Just because CMC isn’t used to this sort of reality hitting it in the face as much as it should does not mean that it’s student blogs are justified into making it into distasteful sarcasm.

    If anything, Israel’s current apartheid, media biases, neglect of war crimes, and the creation of the “enemy state” is more of a reference to Orwell than anything this story can credibly make.

    ALSO, I’m getting tired of CMC’s apparent first world problem about Collins’ food being “horrible.” We get it MANY times better than most colleges, not to mention the millions of people around the country and the world that have it way, way worse.

    • Oh thank god someone as unbiased as you came out of nowhere to save us from his article! Student blogs can do whatever the fuck they want amigo, especially when they are not actually associated with this college officially. Just because you aren’t used to this sort of humor hitting you in the newsfeed does not mean that you’re justified in making it into distasteful butthurt.

      If anything, your inflammatory comment, obvious bias, neglect of understanding, and the creation of the “enemy (but this one is jewish!) state” is more of a reference to your assholery than that of the authors’.

      I like Collins myself, but to be honest, millions of people around the country aren’t paying $250,000 a year to a college. If they were, they’d be demanding better food I promise you that. This isn’t even my favorite article on here, but I’m procrastinating work and your self-righteousness was just what I needed to distract myself.

    • take your tirade to the forum where other mediocre critiques who think themselves so self-important can follow your lead and WASTE MY TIME BY NOT SAYING ANYTHING FUNNY ON A SATIRICAL PUBLICATION!

  2. Hey Carlos,

    My name is Kyle and I am here to tell you why you are wrong.

    First, this is a satire site.. We make fun of things, funny things and serious things. This isn’t the Times…. Get over it.

    Second, why might people think this (not sure if you were involved) protest was ridiculous? It is immature and completely irresponsible to conduct a demonstration in the manner that this was conducted. The information was completely one sided and biased on a very complicated issue and presented in a rude way. I am all for presenting information about something you are passionate about, but childish protests like this one only serve to undermine the cause they are trying to promote. No wider scope on the situation or unbiased historical backdrop was given by the handouts.

    If I were trying to promote the horrible situation in the US prison system, I would not set up a mock prison on campus and abuse students who did not volunteer to participate in your protest. Making two girls cry by intimidating them at the door to their dining hall is disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourselves. It is not up to you do decide what students should be educated on, whether or not you are correct.

    Third, from a little FB stalking I see you are a freshmen. Maybe hang out here a little longer before making ignorant assumptions about your fellow students. CMC students generally have a much better grasp on “reality” than you might think.

    I would love to go on but I need to pay attention in class.


    Kyle Weiss

  3. Kyle, what you deem as disrespectful is exactly what happens in that region. It might have gone a little bit too far, but let’s be honest, this is how far it goes in Israel. The two girls that cried.. Let them cry! For god’s sake what about the Palestinian children who are forced to go through this everyday on their way to school? If you think this one day simulation was too much, then how can you not see that what happens there is too much?

    I’ve heard a lot of discussion about what happened in the last day, and a lot of people are saying: “what do you expect the Israelis to do when the palestinians keep bombing the Israelis?” my response is: “what do you expect the Palestinians to do when they are being kicked out of their own homes, being humiliated every day, and not being allowed access to basic human rights?”.

    I’m not saying everything about the protest at Collins was done right. They could have made it more informative and less “in your face”, but kudos to them for taking a stand in a place where everyone goes against what they believe in.

    • Also, this article may be a satire, but it was extremely disrespectful. It was making a mockery of things far beyond this protest. The intifada is something in which many people suffered and you making a mockery of it, is like me making a mockery of the Holocaust, which I would never do because it was terrible. The golden antlers might make fun of some issues, but remember that this article is less funny and more hurtful to a lot of people. Think about that, please.

    • See what you did here? I make almost no reference to the reason behind the protests in my response, and you turn the whole thing into a Palestinian/ Israeli debate. I am against harassing students outside of the dining hall for a biased, and horribly facilitated protest.

      I have my own opinions on the issues so don’t try to lecture me on what is going on in the Mid East. If it had been a pro-Israel rally conducted in such a childish manner I would have been angry as well.. This type of action only serves to hurt the cause it is trying to promote by upsetting students and furthering a one sided dialogue.

      Now to the unbelievable response below… the Intifada was not just the uprising that started in the the late 80’s. Intifada is literally an Arabic word which translates to uprising, and in the context used in this article was perfectly appropriate. There have been multiple “intifada” since Bahrain in 65.. To compare uprisings in states to the mass extermination of 6 million jews is completely absurd and you should be careful how far you want to take that comparison. Ridiculous comparisons are another way people will not take your cause seriously.

      Please clarify anything else you might find offensive.

  4. Dude, I am Palestinian. I find offense in the word Intifada. I know Arabic, I speak Arabic. I know the definition of the word. The definition of holocaust is: destruction or slaughter on a mass scale. However, it has a deeper meaning to it. So does Intifada. That is why, especially in this context, that comment was disrespectful and hurtful.

    I apologize for making it seem like I was assuming that you would support a Pro-Israel rally, that is not what I was trying to say. But, this isn’t just you. Many of the people I talked to about the protest said they thought it was childish and ridiculous. When I asked them why, they had no response. Their reasoning was because it made Israel look bad. What I replied: THIS IS HAPPENING. Forget about pro-israel, pro-palestine, we’ll never change each other’s opinion on that. But you can’t tell me that the infringements on human rights that Israel has done is not terrible. They have been called out by Nelson Mandela and Desmond Tutu. However, through US’s continuous backing, despite their egregious actions, Israel keeps violating the rights of the Palestinians.

    And I am not saying what is happening in Palestine is worse than what is happening in the Holocaust. They are both terrible, and they are comparable, in the fact that they are violations to human rights, and should have never happened. My closest friends here at CMC are jewish and I see the pain in their eyes when they talk about the holocaust. It was horrific. But, I also urge you, not to belittle what is happening in Palestine. A human life is equal to another one whether they are Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Israeli, Arab, and so forth.

    I just want to end by saying that although the protest was not taken well by the student body, at least it has started dialogue. I want the people to know that Israel is not blameless. Israelis aren’t the ones that are being killed and massacred. There might be a few civilian deaths, but the numbers compared to the Palestinian deaths are miniscule. And no, I am not contradicting myself, a human life is a human life, and no one’s should be taken through such a conflict. BUT, many Americans, including many here at the claremont colleges have no idea about what is happening in Israel. The media is biased and one-sided. You can’t tell me that what the girls did through that protest was wrong and biased, because they did the opposite. They gave us the other side of the story, and that is why, despite their unorthodox method, what they did was commendable.

    • If you really have a problem with the word intifada being used, that is fine, I apologize. I don’t need to get into a history debate with you about it. I think if you really think that is a fair comparison, then that is a whole other debate.

      Back to the protest. Once again, you have no fucking idea what my thoughts are on this. I assure you, they are much more complicated than you seem to imply. And once again you continue to rant to try and make this about the conflict. It’s not. I am not going to debate that with you online. My problem with the whole thing had absolutely nothing to do with the topic. It had to do with Involuntarily subjecting students to something that they did not ask to be subjected to. Who is at fault when students are reduced to tears because somebody decided to yell at them and ask for ID outside of their dining hall? Nobody has the right to do this, and to think otherwise is ludicrous. No matter how great a cause is, abusing people to make a point is way over the line.

      This was not using “unorthodox methods.” This was fucking immaturity. “At least it started a dialogue. Are you kidding me? If I went and punched someone in the face in Collins it would start a dialogue. Still completely screwed up. When people pressed for information from the protest, they received a completely one-sided narrative that would be seen as bias by educated people on both sides. This did not serve to promote a dialogue, it served to piss off a lot of people and quite honestly pushed many people away from “your side” of the issue. I like to think that CMC students are pretty good at looking at things from multiple angles, and most people I talked to found the whole thing pretty one sided. I don’t care if a person is an Israeli solider or a Palestinian citizen, anyone who does not think this is a complicated 2 sided(at least) issue is completely deceiving themselves. If you want to tell the other side than the media, that is fine, but think about how you go about it.



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