Michelin Reviews of 5C Dining Halls

The Michelin Guide, the most prestigious fine dining magazine on the planet, recently sent an unpaid janitorial intern to review our eating establishments.

 

It is clear that Pomona’s favorite dining hall is King Kong Sushi, (obviously based on proximity), but every once in awhile in line, you can hear the faint murmurs of a freshman asking “Why don’t we ever go to Pitzer to eat?” and the scrowled response of “It’s not that good.” However, that time finally changed, when one brave freshman questioned the unknown, and came across articles about Pitzer’s own dining hall, McConnell being ranked in the top 10 healthiest college dining halls and being one of the top dining halls in the country (peep #7). Astonished, this freshman took matters into his own hands and called for all of the Consortium’s dining halls to get Michelin Star Reviewed. The Golden Antlers managed to get these results before they are officially released.

 

McConnell (PIT)

Meal: Vegan meatloaf. Ostensibly made from real vegans.

Atmosphere: Have fun sobbing into your free-range-doctoral-student-massaged chicken wings on Wednesdays when “How to Save a Life” comes on with the throwback soundtrack.

Recommended pairing: the sweet, sweet blood of the bourgeoisie

Michelin Rating: 3 tube tops

 

Hoch-Shanahan (HMC)

Meal: Personal Pan Pizza, with calories and calories of regret

Atmosphere: Hoch is a great place to listen to the ambient noises of mudders, which either ranges from the cheers and screams from students as they watch their professor try to take someone’s cup in that strange game to the awkward socializations of seniors who really haven’t learned how to hold a conversation longer than a couple seconds.

Recommended pairing: flat Sierra Mist

Michelin Rating: π

 

Mallott (SCR)

Meal: Get whatever you want, but don’t ruin your appetite for the 6pm bloodbath to get cookies.

Atmosphere: Come for the steak and salmon, stay to be crash into by a freshman as your whip around the corner on your way out.

Recommended pairing: a fruity, high-waisted wine with overtones of citrus, opinions, and froco

Michelin Rating: 4/6 bralettes

 

Collins (CMC)

Meal: Do you like dry chicken? No? Too bad. Lubricate your throats, puskies.

Atmosphere: Looking like a Wendy’s boardroom, the newly refurbished design invites comparisons to something between a mid-quad shower stall and the inside of Roberts’ sex dungeon. The screams of sushi nights of years past echo throughout the bathroom stalls.

Recommended pairing: something white

Michelin Rating: 45/225 lbs.

 

Frank (POM)

Meal: The staffer we sent out never came back. We’re still looking for him. It’s been like 3 weeks, and we’re starting to get worried he’s adapted to living in the wild in the Farm. If you see a 5’2” freshman from Marin, tell him you have résumé experience for him to try and lure him back to campus.

Atmosphere: Hidden in the recesses of outer Siberia, this dining hall has it all: actual wooden chairs, actual Pomona students, and actual Uber calls to get back to your dorm.

Recommended pairing: A plate of berries that taste slightly like they were just pulled out of the freezer 20 minutes ago

Michelin Rating: 3/6 avocados

 

Frary (POM)

Meal: As much as you want to “enjoy” the açai bowl, you can’t stop staring at those two faded old people in that back corner. Not faded, faded. How did they get there? Did they have disappointing children? Try not to think about this next time, I dare you.

Atmosphere: Has been continuously open since 1837, providing the 5Cs an answer to the question, “What could possibly be weirder than eating limp pizza under a Greek titan with a dick?” That’s right, eating limp pizza under a Greek titan without a dick.

Recommended pairing: grape juice mixed with the tears of poor children

Michelin Rating: 47/666 sage-covered hens

 

Oldenborg (POM)

Meal: It’s far easier to just skip your language table session than to eat here.

Atmosphere: Just keep your head down and hope nobody talks to you in another tongue. You can barely speak English as is,

Recommended pairing: anything you can’t pronounce

Michelin Rating: /五

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