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More Like Cuck Science Center: Which One of You Nerds Fucked My Wife?

An anonymous open letter to the faculty of the W.M. Keck Science Department

 

Alright eggheads–the jig is up. It’s time to put down your stethoscopes and your microscopes and your lab-coats and turn your attention to me, because I have Demands and I will not rest until they have been answered.

Last night I discovered incontrovertible evidence of a sordid affair. In my own marital bed, the very place where my precious son Sebastian was conceived, I found the following items: a beaker, a petri dish, a used prophylactic, and a commemorative t-shirt from the Keck faculty crab feed of 2011.

What else am I to make of this, oh faculty of the Keck Science Department, than that one among you has fucked my wife, and made a cuck of me? There are not sufficient words in the English language to describe my rage, my fury, at having my manhood defiled so–and not by a real man, like a firefighter or an airline pilot, but by some four-eyed science freak? Fuck.

You probably thought you could get away with it, too. But alas, you have taken a dip in the wrong pond, buddy. That’s right: I’m a nationally ranked Bass Fisherman and I’m nobody’s fool.

So now I cast out my line, and soon I will have the perpetrator of this terrible crime caught, hook in mouth. But it’s not too late for some diplomacy. To the innocent and pure among the Keck faculty, I Demand that you turn over this rat, this snake in your midst so that I may destroy him.

I implore you to comply, lest you all find yourselves caught in my net, and face a wrath which no fishing metaphor can adequately capture.

You have 72 hours.

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