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Motley Holding Out for Better Relations with Cuba


This just in—students have begun protesting the Motley for never having a sufficient amount of drink ingredients to supply the demand of the Claremont Colleges. Students from all around the five campuses have come together to form a picket line that is nearly as long as the line for the Motley itself. Notably, this is the first time in living memory that everyone in Claremont can agree on something.

The Motley has been in a severe deficit of matcha, honey, soy milk, almond milk, coconut milk, mammal milk, hazelnut flavoring, strawberry-pomelo-acai smoothies, and literally everything else for some time now—some estimates say these ingredients have been missing for as long as five weeks.  The only ingredient in abundant supply is tears from first-years writing their Core I essays.

Motley baristas are still holding out for the lift of the US embargo against Cuba so they don’t have to keep relying on Scrippsies coming back from abroad to smuggle in their obscure ingredients from Cuba. The Motley and others who rely on smuggled Cuban goods – as former Scripps President Laurie Bettison-Varga does for her Cuban Cigars – are hopeful as relations between Cuba and the United States warm up.

“We’re very optimistic,” Motley manager Jennie Xu says with a glowing smile. “We’ve actually applied to travel on a religious mission to Cuba—God willing—where we will interact with the locals and teach them how to add just the right amount of foam to lattes and keep orders waiting just long enough for the customer to be five minutes late to class. We hope to help the locals get closer our Lord and Savior, Ellen Browning Scripps.”

Written by Natalie Katz


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