Motley Returns, Brings Back the Last Drops of God Damn Womanly Decency

[dropcap]T[/dropcap]he Motley Coffeehouse will finally reopen this Thursday, bringing both meaning and organic fair-trade yak’s milk back into the lives of its devoted customers. Students will soon return to spending all their time in the beloved student-run coffee house, pretending to do work while actually professing their love for Bowl of Soul.

Returning students have been at a loss since the Motley closed last May. Many have been seen aimlessly walking around campus because “there is literally nowhere else to go” on a Tuesday night. Susanna Tope (SC ’16), who has been in a state of mourning since the spring closing, will reintroduce color to her wardrobe at Thursday’s opening. “When I die, I would like my ashes to be placed in one of the boob molds on the windowsill,” the Feminist, Gender, and Sexuality Studies major shares.

Some exciting new changes will be taking place at the Motley this semester. The Motley’s ambiance (or amBeyoncé) manager Olive Reynolds (SC ’15) reports that the Motley will add more Georgia O’Keefe (pronounced “O’Queef”) paintings as well as debut a new soundtrack featuring women leaders breathing. “We also hope that our new vulva shaped mugs that depict genitalia of all shapes and sizes will be a hit. Or at least more successful than the vulva lollipops from years past,” says Olive.

The Motley’s high estrogen level have been scientifically proven to empower Scripps students (as well as the occasional English major from Pomona) to pierce their noses and shop exclusively at Anthropologie. It also boasts the highest concentration of clog wearers at the 5Cs. To a lesser extent, you’ll find guys who pretend they aren’t the only male in coffeehouse, but they aren’t fooling anyone. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just come here to do my philosophy homework,” claims Owen Williams (PZ ’15) while winking at a raven-haired barista.

Like any other fad, feminism may come and go, but with its reopening, The Motley has proven that it is here to stay. Here’s to another year of overpriced ToGo cups because the Motley never wants you to leave. That is, unless you were the one who drew dicks all over the unused cups, asshole.

– Emily Armstrong SCR ’17, with help from Christie Kweon SCR ’15, Jacksón Smith CMC ’18, and Elliot Warner CMC ’18